The reality of being Australian and why it is disappointing.

Australians have a pretty good reputation around the world. Sure people can ask us stupid questions like “Do you guys travel in the pouches of kangaroos?” and “So, is this a knife?” (the answer to both being, fucking obviously), but in terms of anything of real importance, such as our politics, current affairs and foreign policy, we pretty much get a mulligan. Nobody really cares about what we’re doing when superpowers such as America, Britain and China are hogging all the sweet ‘being a subject of scrutiny’ spotlight. In comparison we’re less leading role and more stagehand.

Whenever you travel overseas, as soon as people realise you’re Australian, they decide that the next best course of action is to get you drunk and make various jokes about wanting to go ‘down under’. Yet despite these frequent dalliances into the land of ingeniously thought out puns and witticisms, being Australian can have its drawbacks. Namely, that we’re a lot less awesome than we think we are and we don’t even realise it.

Apparently we have fallen for our own Tourism ads and accordingly we have a fairly good opinion of ourselves that is either not shared by others or is completely at odds with the reality of our situation. What am I talking about? I’ll tell you after I stop awkwardly asking myself rhetorical questions as a segue into the article.

 

We think we’re totally bad arse.

Thanks to myths of bad arsery perpetuated by ‘Crocodile Dundee’, ‘Mad Max’, ‘The Crocodile Hunter’ and Russell Crowe’s right arm, Australia has put forth the idea that if we’re not out in the desert wrestling crocs or navigating a post-apocalyptic wasteland overrun by awful, awful children, it’s merely because the waiting list is just too damn long.

As mentioned almost everywhere on the internet, Australia is a veritable death trap of deserts, insects, animals and serial killers. As a consequence Australians enjoy a fairly consistent (if tongue-in-cheek) characterisation as indestructible desert people who battle daily through a deadly mire of things that want to kill us.

 

Calm down little fella or I’m gonna give you a spanking.

 

The problem doesn’t lie with the expectations of others, however, rather it lies with our own bizarre, usually subconscious beliefs that we actually are all those things that we pretend to be in the talkies (or the ‘big pictures’ as they’re commonly called). When confronted with danger, we almost immediately start convincing ourselves that despite having lived in the inner city for most of our lives, we are completely capable of Mad Maxing all over the place, entirely forgetting about the fight we lost to our bean bag last night in the eternal struggle to get up off the ground. In other words, we tend to buy into our own stereotypes to the detriment of our health and safety.

One example of this mentality is Australian comedian, Mick Molloy’s attempt to wrangle a snake whilst on holiday in Vanuatu, despite being city born and raised. Fortunately he managed to get a hold of the snake. Unfortunately he grabbed it by the tail and got bitten 27 times. On the dick.

To be fair this self view isn’t entirely modern. In fact, it comes from a long tradition of imagining ourselves as hard living bushmen, fully adept at not only surviving but kicking the shit out of the harsh landscapes of the outback.

This myth was initially conjured up around Australia’s Federation in 1901, as the nation desperately sought a national identity that reflected the reality of Australian living, which had little to no relation to the tea drinking, scone eating finery of its British counterpart. The creation of the Australian archetype as a rough talking, beer swilling, hard living man who could kill a crocodile just by making insinuations about its mother, has consequently been burnt into our subconscious whether we like it or not.

Yes, if questioned about it we would be fully aware that this stereotype has little to do with our reality. In fact we often mock it as much as we can. But on some level, deep down, we still believe ourselves to be fundamentally connected to it in an entirely unrealistic way.

 

We think that everyone loves us.

While what I said above about being positively received by others is, in my experience, largely true- it seems that we are determined to destroy whatever good reputation we may have in the world. Apparently when Australians travel overseas, we have the tendency to exaggerate every negative aspect of ourselves to the detriment of…just everything.

Drinking to excess, being obnoxious about sport and generally acting like we’re allergic to etiquette are some of the most notable symptoms: “In this day and age we are better known as being rude, unabashed, whingers notorious for drinking too much and getting into fights.” At Oktoberfest, extra security guards are hired just to deal with the Australian tent. This may in part be down to a huge fight that happened in 2007 that involved 300 Aussies, as well as our general penchant for punching people right in the face.

Add into this our increasing reputation for human rights abuses, racism and sexism…well, no wonder the Indians hate us.

Not surprisingly, acting like drunken jackasses hasn’t earned us many friends around the world, as we increasingly Gibson ourselves into disfavour.

 

Australian men are terrible…just terrible.

Lifeguards, crocodile hunters, post-apocalyptic warriors (I can keep referencing the same movies all the time right? Because that’s one stereotype that’s actually true about us, we are incredibly lazy)- whichever well known Australian character you can think of, they all come from the same archetype mentioned above. But despite their coarseness and lack of manners, they manage to make up for it by being strangely appealing in a ‘I can kill things with my dick’ kind of a way.

They’re stoic and sexy in an unpolished, rough and tumble sense that almost makes you want to deliberately put yourself in a perilous situation so they can rescue you whilst making glib remarks in lingo you can’t quite understand. Unfortunately, as already mentioned, the dick killing isn’t strictly true, which just leaves us with the drinking and the swearing and the lack of personal hygiene.

Sure we have guys like this:

 

 

And this:

 

 

But so many (too many) Australian guys are more something between this:

 

 

 

 

this

 

 

 

 

 

and this

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Despite the charm of Hugh Jackman, Paul Hogan and Mel…I mean, Russ…(ok I can’t think of a third) the reality is much more gross and much less appealing.

 

And no I didn’t forget about this guy, I just think he’s really smug in the smug hole and it makes me want to smug him over the smugging face. NICE EMBROIDERY SIMON.

 

So am I just a bitter, sexless old hag who has an unfairly low opinion of her penised countrymen because of my bitter, sexless old haggishness? Maybe. Maybe even yes. But the horribleness of Australian men has actually been quantified by people who know science and understand how numbers work. An Oxford study revealed that Australian men are the worst husbands in the world due to their unwillingness to share domestic duties, thus placing all the burden on their poor hot wives.

 

Yeah ,you look great. Now do the washing.

 

Further studies have revealed that Australian men are sub-par lovers, likely to cheat on their girlfriends or dump them if they gain weight. They’re also sexist and sexually violent. Yay?

Indeed despite the existence of many time honoured traditions of courtship, such as drawing sketches of your beloved in blood as they sleep, making a mix tape, or jacking off to their facebook pictures before subtly hinting at it in the comments section via use of the winkey face emoticon, there are still many out there who struggle to embrace these traditions and opt instead for less orthodox, wildly experimental and ultimately creepy methods of courtship. In my experience, Australian men excel at this kind of wooing dumbfuckery.

 

IT’S NOT WORKING.

 

To illustrate this point I will now give examples of several pick up lines I have either witnessed or been subjected to.

Ladies, get ready to pick which one of these will be the basis of your masturbation fantasy tonight. Gents, take notes.

 

For the ladies who prefer the direct, depersonalised approach we have this fine selection of lines:

- You got a name?

- Fancy a root?

- Nice tits but your legs are shit.

- Does anyone here want me to buy them a drink or not?

- I wish the lady were a tramp.

 

Or perhaps Madame would prefer something more awkward and fumbling with just a hint of surreptitious erection hiding:

- Hey..hey you and your friend should kiss. Kiss! Seriously…you should kiss. Are you going to kiss?

- I wanna…*burp* I wanna be the guy who washes your hair. Just like, we could be in the bath and I could wash it. Y’know?

- Hey are you here with anyone? Oh you are? Yeah, yeah good cause I was just on the dance floor and this girl was starting to dance with me and I just wanted your advice on whether I should dance with her or not. I should? Ok thanks. *walks out of the club*

NB: this particular gentleman caller had pie stains on his shirt and was listening to a walkman. A walkman. In a club. So many things to italicise.

Or you can just run up to a girl on the street and lift up her dress. But make sure you do it like a gentleman.

Perhaps you could even enact a Flaming Mangina. For those who are unfamiliar with this practice, it involves tucking your naughty man parts between your legs and then setting your pubic hair on fire. Certainly the mating rituals of us Australians are unusual indeed.

I mean I appreciate people doing horrifying things with their genitals as much as the next girl (that’s what vagina monologues were about, right?) but with this I just can’t get on board.

 

Whether tis nobbler in the mind…

 

Australian women are hot.

On the up side, apparently people still tend to think that Australian women are hot.

 

According to Google we’re also slutty.

 

The hotness of Australian women unfortunately cannot be measured empirically, except that it can be and it has. In 2009 it was reported that due to increasing demand, Australian lingerie companies have had to introduce J – K cups for women’s bras. Increasing demand. Australians all let us rejoice, indeed (or get ready for some serious back problems).

Apparently over 40% of Australian women now buy bras over DD cup size. Experts “blame the cleavage boost on obesity, contraceptive pills and artificial hormones” for this sudden increase in the size of our naughty pillows. I’m not sure where ‘blame’ comes into this, I’m too distracted trying to imagine what K cup boobs look like. Some may say this proves an increasing trend towards obesity, whereas others would say it proves the existence of God.

So I guess that’s some kind of reprieve. Unless that’s also just a big lie and then people expect us to be exceptionally hot and big boobed only to be disappointed by the reality.

 


34 Comments on “The reality of being Australian and why it is disappointing.”

  1. Dror says:

    Australian women are hot. !!!
    is the author single ?

    nice writing fun and funny makes you wish it will never end
    the build ups for the new thing , examples and references
    really made this extraordinary

  2. Anonymous says:

    Haha I laughed out loud! Great article :D

  3. MK says:

    Everything you wrote is so true…I’m an Aussie girl and I’d rather marry myself or become a Cat Lady than marry an Aussie guy. Who want’s to hear ‘go get me a beer, luv’ for the rest of their life, ugh. Thank God I travel!

    • For sure. It’s so infuriating! And there’s always, “Take it easy, sweetheart.”

      That’s one of my favourites.

      Thanks for reading!

    • Go fuck your cat. says:

      “I’m an Aussie girl and I’d rather marry myself or become a Cat Lady than marry an Aussie guy” <– it's probably your feminist attitude, the feminism thing "I'm a victim because I'm female, I'm never wrong because I'm female" is VERY unattractive to me, aussie women think their gods gift to men, I dunno, they think they are like female american celebrities or something, raised on trashy TV culture, really narcissist, they sleep around like crazy, lie, cheat, gold-dig and generally can't be trusted!! (sorry if this is a generalisation but it's true!)

      Aussie women bagging out your men is ridiculous, Think of your men as a reflection of the women, if the women are all fucked up, how do you think the men are gonna turn out?

      I wonder why so many white australian men are marrying asian women? hmmm

      We still only have a tiny population, so of course we are not going to be very influential on a world stage.

      • Dude, seriously the unintentional irony here is off the charts.

        Let’s break it down.

        1) You’re pissed off that the OP criticises Australian men and then go on a misogynistic tirade against Australian women.

        2) You think even if Aussie men are crap then it’s because Aussie women make them that way but reject the idea that it may also apply the other way (although I think both of those ideas are flawed).

        3) You accuse the OP of having a ‘feminist victim complex’ (despite there being nothing to suggest that in her post) and then go on to detail how you’ve supposedly been victimised by women.

        It sounds like you just have a massive chip on your shoulder, are upset that women won’t just do what you say and are looking for any reason to have a rant and lay all the blame for everything at the feet of women. Any reason not to look at yourself critically, right?

        • Please die says:

          1) Ironic? this whole article is just a pathetic feminist rant. just leave “australia” out of it.

          2) Well I come from a broken dysfunctional family, but then again half of my friends do too, actually the majority of them. But hey it’s just the ‘norm’ these days I guess….when It wasn’t in our grandparents generation. The stupid hippie movement, it did more harm than good.

          3) Marry yourself? common she needs to be criticised, she doesn’t deserve white male civilisation, she needs to be dumped on lesbian island.

          4) Yeh a course I do, because in my experience, todays anglo-celtic women tend to be whores, liars and cheats that can’t keep their legs closed. and no I don’t really give a shit if that’s not a “political correct” thing to say. Now go get your fake fan, put on some big fly-eyed sunnies and go take another 5000 photos of yourself for fakebook. =)

    • Joey says:

      I am an Australian guy and I totally agree with you, ditch asswipes like that and try finding the right person for you.

  4. claudette dalton says:

    aye right somebody can see aussie men are macho yuk shit heads have no class not marriage material all closet gays, their fucking yuk to me. Give me an a hot american any day their marriage material and think of women, even the nerdy guys are hot, aussie men to me are what i call, the last fucking resort yuk zzzzzzzzz boring wankers, like robin williams said, Australias a big alabama,ha ha to true. ya bunch of redneck motherfuckers

    • Please die says:

      “yuk shit heads have no class, their fucking yuk to me” <— wow you sound so "classy" how ironic, now go back to your dildo.

      • And the irony continues.

        You accuse the OP of being classless and then tell her to ‘go back to your dildo’ but you don’t think that makes you classless?

        Having said that, I’m not down with the OP’s original message and its homophobia and general vitriol.

        • Please die says:

          “yuk shit heads have no class, their fucking yuk to me” seriously go up to ANY guy and talk like that, and see how far you get. She shouldn’t be accusing white australian males of having ‘no class’ when she herself sounds like a piece of obnoxious trash.

          • Joey says:

            Well said friend.

            • flames FLAMES says:

              Oi! why am i STILL getting comments?… on this? yeh yeh
              Australia… not the greatest place not the worst. (I dunno about comparisons) but I’m just a convict c#nt what would I know???? I think certain things … then think different things later…. I don’t like this article

              Lesbian island …GO!!!!
              :)

  5. Shaun says:

    Hey this was damn good.. but i wanna ask you.. that do you guys hate asians?? (mainly indians..) and what sports or games is popular there..

    • Some Guy says:

      Indians aren’t really considered “asians” here, football and cricket.
      I dunno I guess it’s just a fear of being taken over.

    • Hey man – Australia has a long history of anti-Asian prejudice stemming from the fear of invasion, the fear of being a ‘white island’ in an Asian region and from long perpetuated beliefs that Asians are racially inferior.

      I don’t exactly know where anti-Indian prejudice comes from but it may stem from our connections to the British empire and our inheritance of British attitudes towards Indian people.

      As to sports – football, soccer, cricket, tennis…

      • Please die says:

        hey maaaan woodstock, peace and love. Yeh well, the Japanese they were pretty damn brutal weren’t they, and obviously a serious threat, they bombed the shit out of darwin for one. My grandpas uncles was beheaded in a japanese war camp along with hundreds of thousands of our men dying in that war. Go ask the chinese and koreans what they think of the japanese.

        Australia is not part of Asia, it’s Oceania. It’s not like the original inhabitance were ‘asian’

      • Please die says:

        evil white male, evil white male evil white male, that’s that’s all the comes to mind when I read your guilt-trip bullshit.

        • Anonymous says:

          I think you are proving her point mate

          • Crickey! says:

            WHAT point? ..”mate” ? look this article is a bunch of bullshit~ “the reality of being australian and why it’s disappointing” and it’s got all the stereotypical pictures and then it goes on about how bad the “men” are, well maybe the women are sh#t too!? …

            like (personal experience) half the girls in highschool had already 10 different dicks inside them at the age of 16, or the fake tans, fake boobs, fake personalities, big hollywood sunnies, the ‘sex in the city’ life, or how they are in their mid thirties and still just live for partying, drinking and trying find random one night stands? Or how you are nothing, but an ATM machine to them, or how most of the m8s I grew up with just came from broken families? … I could go on and go on… but yeh generalization. ~ maybe just Sydney

            Australia is not a bad place, it has it’s good and bad things It~ this is coming from someone that’s travelled overseas.

            but I’m so tired of the righteous politically correct arsewipes they’re as bad as the far rightists.

            I have problems staying positive in life sometimes too (with all the bullshit one goes through)…but I dunno taking it out on the whole country? hmm

            • “Hyperbole is the use of exaggeration as a rhetorical device or figure of speech. It may be used to evoke strong feelings or to create a strong impression, ****but is not meant to be taken literally.****

              Hyperboles are exaggerations to create emphasis or effect. As a literary device, hyperbole is often used in poetry, and is frequently encountered in casual speech. An example of hyperbole is: “The bag weighed a ton.” Hyperbole makes the point that the bag was very heavy, though it probably does not weigh a ton.”

              http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperbole

              Oh and you might need this one too:

              http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misogyny

              • Crickey! says:

                Right! an intellectual, more like a petty egoist, I stand by what I wrote ~ and couldn’t be fucked replying because you add no real defence to valid criticism to this so called ‘masterpiece’ of writing.

  6. mark says:

    I enjoy your writing :)

    I am an Australian man and I agree with everything here. I live in Melbourne’s CBD where every weekend and public holiday I have opportunity to observe the repulsive inhabitants of this country pour themselves out of public bars and onto the streets shouting, throwing up and punching each other. I can’t remember the last time I was able to catch a tram without having to bear the slack-jawed racist idle banter of obese white adolescents and their parents, both dressed entirely in some sports team’s merchandise. I have had to cease riding my bike to work due to a growing anti-bicycle culture amongst motorists who seem to genuinely desire to run over cyclists with their cars. I often see men in cars shout abuse at young women as they drive past, and sometimes even throw bottles or other debris at them from their car windows while blaring the latest club anthem from the car stereo at four in the morning. Strangers are always asking me where they can find a 24h bottle shop, presumably because the bars have kicked them out for intoxication.

    This is what Australian culture really looks like.

    • Joey says:

      I am similar to you man, I hate the social norms in Australia, every guy seems to be obsessed with partying, alcohol, sex and drugs. They are truly scum of the earth. I am hoping that things will get better at University, I feel that it may depend on the course I get into too.

  7. Anonymous says:

    If aussie women think aussie men are such douche bags then why the hell do they defend the dolts when they cheat on them? Why do they blame the other woman?

  8. Crickey! says:

    “lie back and think of England” we white australian are actually mix of english, scottish and irish (probably a bit of welsh too) ignorant bitch.


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