Breasts Vs Humanity

Youtube. A place where hope goes to die.

If anyone need ever gather evidence as to the impending moral apocalypse of the human race they needn’t look further than youtube…and if anyone need ever gather evidence as to my love for making really obvious and outdated statements then all they need do is look at that last sentence. It is well known that youtube is like a petri dish for social retardation so it could be argued that it is merely an aberration in an otherwise fairly normal and decent world and that it cannot be used as evidence for any serious condemnation of the human race. What is disturbing, however, is that trends of popularity on youtube are not in any way divergent from the rest of society. In fact, the parallels are pretty much spot on. Case in point: the widespread appeal of a young, stupid, irritating but hot girl versus the relative obscurity of a middle aged, hilarious man.

                                                                          Why isn’t anyone looking at me?                                                  

Maybe I’m wrong with the comparison above, but my impression is that considerably more people would have seen Kim Kardashian’s sex tape than Louis CK’s stand up gigs or TV show. At least in Australia.

Regardless, in the world of youtube I am specifically talking about users boxxy and radiometricx/protopod. Unfortunately, boxxy’s original video that I was going to post here has been taken down, probably due to its ability to induce epilepsy in the previously un-afflicted, but luckily for all you cool cats swinging with the bebop out there I managed to write out a transcript of it before my entire central nervous system shut down. For a taste of the original, here is an equally annoying mash up:

The original video was entitled: ‘FOAR EVERYWUN FRUM BOXY’

Now, I just can’t let this title slide. This girl has managed to bastardise the English language not merely by using internet speak but by actually subverting internet speak’s original purpose, which is to abbreviate words and thus reduce the amount of time spent typing them. Or to contribute to the degeneration of our intellect until human society just consists of people weeing on their hands and giggling. Either way.

Sure, the internet’s regular misuse of the English language is, in and of itself, an assault on my soul but boxxy has taken it to new heights by actually inserting extra unnecessary vowels into simple words and otherwise inventing new ways of spelling regular words in order to create homophones…that have no separate meaning. Unless their purpose is to denote the stupidity of their author and therefore serve as some kind of cryptic warning label for potential video viewers then it should be illegal for this girl to even be near a computer. She even misspelt her own made up name for fuck’s fucking sake.

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For an Ex-Bodyguard of the President, Kevin Costner Sure Does Suck at His Job.

I re-watched ‘The Bodyguard’ a little while ago and despite my deep and abiding love for overly dramatic, nonsensical movies from the 90’s, some things really started to bug me.

Namely, that Kevin Costner (Frank Farmer- ugh) really sucks at his job.

Why?

5. He’s not great in a crisis

After Rachel receives a phone call from her creepy albino stalker friend, she is understandably shaken up and begs Farmer not to quit. Farmer responds by saying “Rachel if you screw me over again, I’ll kill you myself.”

Nice.

Yes, she’s a pain in the hole, but a little sensitivity wouldn’t go astray, especially as it would probably calm her down and increase the likelihood of her being rational. Scared people tend not to be too rational. In fact, they tend to panic which is not very helpful when you’re trying to survive an assassin. When Rachel spazzes out at the awards ceremony by running off stage and then refusing to listen to Frank trying to tell her who the killer is, you can see how him doing more than threatening to murder her could have helped.

 

4. He can’t command authority

For a man who takes no shit, Farmer takes a lot of shit. Namely from Rachel upon whom he can’t even impress the danger of the situation she’s in. That was a terrible sentence. In fact, after adamantly insisting that he can’t protect Rachel without her knowing about the man who broke into her house and touched his naughty man parts in her bed, Farmer then cavalierly entrusts the communication of this information to the very man who has kept it from her- her agent, Sy. He never even follows up with her as to what she’s been told, which it turns out is nothing.

 

3. He doesn’t want to protect her while she’s doing her job….which is his job.

“I can’t protect you like this. The odds are all on his side.” – this is from a man who used to protect the President. Sure, he’s all traumatised after the death of Reagan but he is a professional still performing in his field. Is this film really trying to tell us that the life of a pop star is inherently more dangerous, unpredictable and difficult to navigate than that of the President?

I mean, Sy is an arsehole but when he says “this is her job and she’s doing it”, he kind of has a point. Bodyguards are meant to protect you while you go about your life, not tell you to indefinitely put that life on hold until your stalker dies or switches obsessions.

I’m all for suspension of disbelief in movies but this blatantly makes no sense. It’s like a chef saying he can’t cook with all these ovens, ingredients and customers.

‘I can only protect you in this room. Outside of it I am of no use to you.’

So he takes her up into the woods to his father’s cabin where no one will know where she is. But what is his plan from there? Just to hide out until the stalker decides not to be a psychopath?

Even I could do a better job than this guy and the only thing listed under ‘Skills’ on my CV is N/A.

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This is me. On the internet.

So this is where I am planning on writing things. I’m going to start doing that now.