Breasts Vs Humanity

Youtube. A place where hope goes to die.

If anyone need ever gather evidence as to the impending moral apocalypse of the human race they needn’t look further than youtube…and if anyone need ever gather evidence as to my love for making really obvious and outdated statements then all they need do is look at that last sentence. It is well known that youtube is like a petri dish for social retardation so it could be argued that it is merely an aberration in an otherwise fairly normal and decent world and that it cannot be used as evidence for any serious condemnation of the human race. What is disturbing, however, is that trends of popularity on youtube are not in any way divergent from the rest of society. In fact, the parallels are pretty much spot on. Case in point: the widespread appeal of a young, stupid, irritating but hot girl versus the relative obscurity of a middle aged, hilarious man.

                                                                          Why isn’t anyone looking at me?                                                  

Maybe I’m wrong with the comparison above, but my impression is that considerably more people would have seen Kim Kardashian’s sex tape than Louis CK’s stand up gigs or TV show. At least in Australia.

Regardless, in the world of youtube I am specifically talking about users boxxy and radiometricx/protopod. Unfortunately, boxxy’s original video that I was going to post here has been taken down, probably due to its ability to induce epilepsy in the previously un-afflicted, but luckily for all you cool cats swinging with the bebop out there I managed to write out a transcript of it before my entire central nervous system shut down. For a taste of the original, here is an equally annoying mash up:

The original video was entitled: ‘FOAR EVERYWUN FRUM BOXY’

Now, I just can’t let this title slide. This girl has managed to bastardise the English language not merely by using internet speak but by actually subverting internet speak’s original purpose, which is to abbreviate words and thus reduce the amount of time spent typing them. Or to contribute to the degeneration of our intellect until human society just consists of people weeing on their hands and giggling. Either way.

Sure, the internet’s regular misuse of the English language is, in and of itself, an assault on my soul but boxxy has taken it to new heights by actually inserting extra unnecessary vowels into simple words and otherwise inventing new ways of spelling regular words in order to create homophones…that have no separate meaning. Unless their purpose is to denote the stupidity of their author and therefore serve as some kind of cryptic warning label for potential video viewers then it should be illegal for this girl to even be near a computer. She even misspelt her own made up name for fuck’s fucking sake.

By the way I use the term ‘author’ very, very loosely here. I find it very hard to imagine boxxy authoring anything, even the title of a youtube video. It seems much more plausible that she picked out pieces of her brain and threw them haphazardly at her keyboard.

Anyway, upon clicking the play button one sees a girl, seemingly about 16 years old, who apparently has an aggressive dislike of her eyelids judging by how she has assaulted them with black crayon. Despite this she’s still very pretty and admittedly has lovely hair. A moment of hope flutters briefly before being violently crushed by an impossibly peppy, staccato vernacular rapidly ice picking its way into your cerebral cortex.

If you didn’t watch the video above, then as you read this try to imagine someone who overly emphasises their consonants and speaks like they’re chewing on the inside of their mouth because of how adorable they want everyone to think they are.

So here it is.

“Ok hi, so my name is boxxy and um it’s been a while since I made a video so I decided that because of recent events that I could make a NEW VIDEO and um so yeah so let’s just start off by getting a couple of things straight. I don’t do drugs. Mm-mmm. I know that you all think that I do drugs but I don’t actually and I actually don’t have ADD either *laughs* which is funny to me. Um, yeah. And another would be, um, I provided you with a couple of different pictures such as like the one where I’m like “mmmm!” and it says “I saw what you did there” and like and and then like you peoples were all like “YOU WAS TROLLING” and I was like “I AM NOT TROLLING”. I am boxxy you see! Mmnnmm!”

.

Did you…did you just shit in my brain?

.

“And like um and so then uh and then there was another one where I was like “mnmm” and um I didn’t have eyeliner on which you edited a couple of different times. And then there was the one where I held up a sign and it said “BOXXY PLUS POCK EQUALS LOOOOOVES” and that’s true it’s a very true statement I love her!

And um and then uh b-b-b-b oh there was another one that I actually didn’t post but um it’s out there cause some of you guys found it and I’m all like crafty and um and it’s it’s one where I like have a sign and I’m like “EEEIIRG!!” and it says several different things such as like I love “mmmchan” and stuff and um it actually never said that it said “I love Muchan” which is one of my old guyer buddies.”

.

Ohhhhh, I know the sign you mean. The one that said all that stuff but didn’t say that stuff at all but said other stuff? I LOVED that sign.

.

“Uhhhh oh by the way I’m not a guyer fan anymore I moved on to bigger and better things such as um things that I mentioned in another video that got me in trouble in the first place.  HaHA! Uhhhhh TROLLS! Trolls. This is my only account and um and and it’s boxxybabee with two E’s and other people like um like boxxy aka mouldy bread she’s a FAILURE TROOLL, TROOOOLL! I can’t believe you guys believe that. Who actually talks like that? Not me!”

.

Should it be this easy?

.

“Um and so yeah and um let’s see here and then um um I was in a thread and this guy was like “Boxxy I would sing ‘Hey Jude’ to you but in girls of the universe!” and I was like I love that movie because I do, have you ever seen that movie?  It’s like amazing! It’s like BEATLES and like um and so then um I just wanted to say to that kid who wanted to watch across the universe with me that I love you and I want to hold your hand.”

.

I have never witnessed a monologue this long that contains absolutely nothing of any value whatsoever. It’s what I imagine I would hear a stupid, stupid robot saying as it melts down, whilst doing an impersonation of someone who embodies everything I hate.

.

“And uh also um my husband Sheldon, hello. Mmmmnnnm! Uhh aaand umm Brandon I guess I don’t even know who you are exactly. Uhh b-b-b-b …my hair got longer for you guys! And I’m actually thinking about cutting it I don’t know.”

.

Really? Your hair has become a sentient being with a will of its own and decided to grow itself longer, just for us?! That’s pretty amazing. I can see why you mentioned it. Otherwise I would have thought you were just randomly looking at and/or thinking about things and then talking about them with no clear purpose or meaning. Totes glad you proved me wrong. Oh and if your hair can think for itself I wouldn’t cut it, if I were you.  You might anger it and it could try to strangle you in your sleep.

God knows I would.

Anyway, tell us more stuff!

.

“But um let’s see here uhhh sooooo- I had a lot of replies from like my videos or not a lot I guess that’s a little much I guess but um this one kid uh he remixed all, a lot of my videos and they were so cool and his name was GASTRIC PENGUIN and he was SO FUNNY he like mixed it and stuff *laughs* and I was like “hoooaahh” the first time I saw it I was, oh my god I had a heart attack I was like oh my god and um uh mmmm I dunno what else is there to say…”

.

There’s so much more to say about literally anything. Anything else than your hair and your vague references to replies to videos that you also vaguely reference. But please, don’t stop. I’ve been thinking about killing myself for a while but if you keep talking I won’t have to bother, because with each word you drain away my life force. So please, keep going. You’d save me a lot of cutting and crying.

.

“Uhhhh Steve! Steve. The guy who like sat for like 6 minutes straight addressing me in like a serious tone.”

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Serious tones are for squares.

.

“Uh thankyou! I suppose…ummm but uh yeah this uh y’know I don’t think I should answer because what if I told you it would ruin the mystique you guys! Ummmm and then uhhhhm b-b-b-B I dunno really. Huh…..I haven’t worn make up in a really long time you guys actually umm and because I stopped wearing it because it’s a really big pain the butt to apply every single morning and I’m like “uugghhhhehhh” and um and now I’m just like MASCARA and I’m like I’m good to go!”

.

You know what I’m like? I’m like someone who can communicate thoughts and ideas with my words. I’m also like someone who has thoughts and ideas.

.

“UhhhmmMMMM….yeah! And uh so Ieeeeeee love you guys…a lot, like really like like like “raaaaar-raaaaar—raaaargh-raaargh” status like seriously like “raaaargh” and ummm I think that’s about it. Mmmm! Byeee!”

 .

Video end.

Sweet fancy moses. What the fuck was that? That video had five million, nine hundred and forty two thousand, eight hundred and three views. All I gathered from that video is that her name is definitely boxxy (except not really), she loves you guys, has grown her hair long but might cut it, hasn’t been wearing makeup recently and really likes names that combine the digestive system with flightless birds. So if you’re looking to impress her just create a youtube account under the name ‘Intestine Emu’, strike up a conversation with her about how words are dumb and your brain will be haemorrhaging in no time. I have never seen someone say so much while saying so little.

Is this really what happens now? I mean, I know good looking women get away with A LOT, but this much?! Really? Has this girl ever like um I dunno, what else is there to say, and so then, um like and and soo yeah…I mean and um- had a cohesive train of thought?? She’s the kind of person who writes facebook updates like this:

“OMG 4 RLZZZZZ!!!!! LMFAO!!!!! cant blve ppl thnk iM on drgs!! LOOOOLZ. So STUPID! HAHA! OMGGGG but srisly so DUMB. NEway, LUV all UUUU guys {{4EVA}} but LUV twliiiiiight more- omg edward so HOT SEXY LULZ LULZ & if u dnt agree u SUCK and NOT even my frnd- LMAO, J/K! But serius if u dnt agree ur {{{{SOOOO}}} stupid. HAHAHA!!! LUUUUUVVV ALLL UUUU!! XOXO

She is the kind of girl who, as one youtube commenter so succinctly summed it up, “you put up with until you get to fuck”. Now I’m not endorsing this kind of tomfoolery and horseplay, in fact the guy is kind of a douche, but he’s a douche with a point…try not to imagine that literally. She really isn’t doing herself any favours by being the human equivalent of this:

So the dog is cute right? But who the hell would want to listen to that? The only one encouraging it is a man who presumably wants it to like him so he can get some fuzzy puppy cuddles. Just to make that ineffectual analogy clear, boxxy is the dog, horny boys are the man and fuzzy puppy cuddles are sex. Good.

The only thing I could think throughout boxxxy’s video was ‘I DON’T WANT THIS’ as my face twisted into a grotesque mask of terror and disgust. It’s videos like this that make me wonder if reincarnation is in fact real, if my past life was filled with crime, and if my current life is consequently one big community service sentence wherein I have to not only endure the socially, intellectually and morally inept, but have to balance out their existence by trying my hardest not to be a vacuous bitch.

And yet radiometricx/protopod, otherwise known as Steve, who is hilariously dead pan and quite clever, gets nowhere near as many views on his videos that include such gems as ‘How to make ice tea‘, ‘Mister Lamp‘, ‘Welp‘ (it has a fart sound in it and I appreciate that) and one of his many animated series ‘Commander Neat’. This last video, although incredibly slow, is based on the premise of a space travelling kid who is trying to get revenge on aliens who ate his sister. I get way more out of just that premise than anything boxxy could ever do. Except self-immolate. What is great about Steve is that he is completely self aware. Even if his videos are sometimes incredibly boring (and to be honest they often are), he intends them to be nothing but. And yet when it comes to being hilarious, he has the patent. He’s not trying to be a comedian…or anything really. He’s just a guy living his life who likes to make videos and is happy if people like to watch them. There’s no façade, it’s just him being himself and I really enjoy that.

Choice quotes from Steve include:

“These are the days I usually do my laundry. Now that’s what the noise in the background is. The washing machine running and the dryer running also…which I’m sure is thrilling news to anyone who is a washing machine fan and likes to keep up with the latest developments in washing machine technology. Although there really hasn’t been much advancement in that field lately. Washing machines have pretty much stayed the same for 20 or 30 years so anyone who is an avid washing machine fan and uh who does like to keep up with the latest developments in uh washing machine technology…should uh probably think about…not doing that. Because there’s really not anything new in the world of washing machines.”

And…

“The L cross lunar orbiter crashed into the moon this morning after it was attacked by flying monkey women from Venus who wanted to mate with it. Rather than give into the whims of the flying monkey women from Venus, it decided to take its own life and spare itself the agony because flying monkey women from Venus are kind of rough.”

And…

“Iced tea. That magical elixir of dreams and sometimes nightmares.”

How is this man not famous?? The best thing about him is that he grows on you, not in a fungal way like boxxy might, but like a really nice pair of breasts. You only appreciate them more over time and then, merely by being there, they spread joy and happiness to others.

Now you may not think that ‘flying monkey women from Venus’ wanting to have sex with an Orbiter is all that funny, but when you hear it from a self described ‘a-sexual, 40 year old virgin’ who never outwardly registers any kind of emotion, it takes on a whole new life. Steve has managed to take his otherwise mundane life and make it at least partly amusing while every now and again giving pearls of wisdom on gay marriage and prostitution that you may not expect to come from a loner who lives in the woods.

There are certainly other people funnier and more informative than Steve that I could have spoken about in this post but I picked him deliberately to make a point. Even though Steve often talks about absolutely nothing, he makes so much more of that nothing than boxxy does with her inane babble. It also helps that he’s not being obnoxious all up in my dance space. Not to mention that his intelligence means that even his most inane videos usually give you something to think about, laugh at or at least be able to process in some way that is not completely antithetical to the human brain.

It saddens me that stupidity and inanity have become modes of thinking that are not merely popular but are propagated as something worthy to aspire to. On youtube, at least.

So I guess all I have to say is:

OMG LULZ LULZ I LUV STEVE 4EVA BCUZ HE IS SOOOOO KEWL BUT NOT EVN LOL! U NO WHT I MEEN ROFLMAO {{{{HUGGZZZZ}}}}

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3 Comments on “Breasts Vs Humanity”

  1. kidi says:

    You, sir, are a fucking retard.

    • Oh my god!! That’s exactly the same way I feel about you! Insult twins!!

      P.S. It’s ma’am.

      P.P.S. I fucked your mother.

      • I don’t really like this article very much either. It seems to be locked in a mode where intellect trumps humanity. People like Boxxy because (in that video at least) she has a fascinating, unusual air full of love and exuberance. Louis CK always struck me as a very average, cynical, right-on comedian who just parrots whatever the dominant left-wing thinking is without ever really adding anything new or creative to it. He’s a sort of middle-of-the-road, road-side cafe comic for the Guardian reading classes, and provides them with a useful echo chamber. I don’t see there’s that much more to him…

        Of course, you might feel differently, but either way this is quite a mean-spirited article.


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