For an Ex-Bodyguard of the President, Kevin Costner Sure Does Suck at His Job.

I re-watched ‘The Bodyguard’ a little while ago and despite my deep and abiding love for overly dramatic, nonsensical movies from the 90’s, some things really started to bug me.

Namely, that Kevin Costner (Frank Farmer- ugh) really sucks at his job.

Why?

5. He’s not great in a crisis

After Rachel receives a phone call from her creepy albino stalker friend, she is understandably shaken up and begs Farmer not to quit. Farmer responds by saying “Rachel if you screw me over again, I’ll kill you myself.”

Nice.

Yes, she’s a pain in the hole, but a little sensitivity wouldn’t go astray, especially as it would probably calm her down and increase the likelihood of her being rational. Scared people tend not to be too rational. In fact, they tend to panic which is not very helpful when you’re trying to survive an assassin. When Rachel spazzes out at the awards ceremony by running off stage and then refusing to listen to Frank trying to tell her who the killer is, you can see how him doing more than threatening to murder her could have helped.

 

4. He can’t command authority

For a man who takes no shit, Farmer takes a lot of shit. Namely from Rachel upon whom he can’t even impress the danger of the situation she’s in. That was a terrible sentence. In fact, after adamantly insisting that he can’t protect Rachel without her knowing about the man who broke into her house and touched his naughty man parts in her bed, Farmer then cavalierly entrusts the communication of this information to the very man who has kept it from her- her agent, Sy. He never even follows up with her as to what she’s been told, which it turns out is nothing.

 

3. He doesn’t want to protect her while she’s doing her job….which is his job.

“I can’t protect you like this. The odds are all on his side.” – this is from a man who used to protect the President. Sure, he’s all traumatised after the death of Reagan but he is a professional still performing in his field. Is this film really trying to tell us that the life of a pop star is inherently more dangerous, unpredictable and difficult to navigate than that of the President?

I mean, Sy is an arsehole but when he says “this is her job and she’s doing it”, he kind of has a point. Bodyguards are meant to protect you while you go about your life, not tell you to indefinitely put that life on hold until your stalker dies or switches obsessions.

I’m all for suspension of disbelief in movies but this blatantly makes no sense. It’s like a chef saying he can’t cook with all these ovens, ingredients and customers.

‘I can only protect you in this room. Outside of it I am of no use to you.’

So he takes her up into the woods to his father’s cabin where no one will know where she is. But what is his plan from there? Just to hide out until the stalker decides not to be a psychopath?

Even I could do a better job than this guy and the only thing listed under ‘Skills’ on my CV is N/A.

2. His ‘hide out’ is more like a death trap.

When Farmer takes Rachel to his Dad’s isolated cabin to hide out, the logic isn’t exactly clear. It’s an extremely secluded area, covered in deep snow, making accessibility or even just manoeuvrability extremely difficult and awkward. Yes, the house has doors with locks and walls that connect all the way around the outside but it’s not exactly a secure facility.

Why isn’t Rachel’s house good enough to hide in at that particular point in time, but then is fine to stay in after the assassin murders her sister?

Also why doesn’t Frank have a mobile phone? Sure it’s 1992 and they weren’t as widespread as they are now, but he’s a goddamn bodyguard who is often in seriously life-threatening situations. And yes they probably don’t have coverage at the cabin because it’s in the middle of freaking nowhere, but that’s even more reason not to take her there.

I guess he just wanted her to see the awesome game of chess he’s had going with his Dad for 3 years. Riveting stuff.

 

1. He has really poor judgement.

Well firstly he somehow falls in love with Rachel despite her being a bratty little shit face for the entire film.

Secondly, for someone whose life long job has been assessing threats and unstable personalities, he somehow misses the plentiful and decidedly unsubtle hints dropped by Rachel’s overtly jealous and unpredictable sister, as to her hatred for Rachel. I’m surprised that he doesn’t at least get some kind of basic psych profile done on those close to Rachel seeing as so many of them seem to have a pronounced inability to keep control of their emotions.

With the regards to the sister- does he even contact the police with the information about how she hired this killer? Or his CIA buddies? Either of them may have heard of some guy named Hernando who has connections with rogue ex-CIA agents and a penchant for offering their services to random drunk chicks.

Then he gets Tony, Rachel’s previous numbskull bodyguard, back for the awards ceremony (but not for the cabin?). Why? Does Tony’s apparent incompetence magically disappear under bright lights and a fancy tuxedo? It would appear so as when others question Tony’s presence Frank snaps “Tony knows what he’s doing!” He does? Since when? Since you beat the shit out of him in the kitchen whilst nonchalantly eating an apple? Nope, once again Farmer’s inability to do anything useful relating to his job becomes blindingly apparent. As soon as Tony gets inside the awards ceremony he is seen to immediately be distracted by the hors d’oeuvres and champagne, like the big fatty boomba sticks that he is.

Then Costner realises who the killer is but the only person he alerts is dumb fuck Tony. Not security. Not the police. He doesn’t even push to tell Rachel because…I don’t know…she’s yelling at him? That’s right, he’s a highly trained bodyguard and he’s cowed by an actress having a tanty. Does he ever actually do anything except recall his traumatic past and stand around looking sad?

“B-but…I wanted to tell you who the killer was. Frowny face!!!!”

Oh sorry, I forgot. He cut a scarf in half with a sword.

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2 Comments on “For an Ex-Bodyguard of the President, Kevin Costner Sure Does Suck at His Job.”

  1. Whitney Houston is beautiful says:

    ur very negative its just a freakin movie! and u hav to be up here criticizing whitney she jus died wats wrong wit u! btw dolphins r awesome

    • Yes, yes, I am the worst of all the bad people.

      But to be fair I did write this almost a year ago, quite a bit before Whitney died, and I’m not criticising her – just the people who wrote Kevin Costner’s character.

      Thanks for your comment!


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