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At first when I heard that Osama Bin Laden had died I said “yay!” and was almost immediately overwhelmed by a sense of shame. I thought about how sad the world is and felt like I’d betrayed my humanity.

After that I spent some time looking at photos of him on the internet, trying to figure out what must have happened to him to send him down that path. It should never be forgotten that he is a human being and as much pain and sadness as he brought into the world, I can’t in good conscience rejoice in his death.

I feel like we have a social contract with one another and the fundamental part that underpins that contract is the bond of our humanity. Recognising each other’s humanity is what stops us from doing terrible things. But when we refuse to see someone’s humanity we break that bond and that contract. We betray ourselves and each other, and the world suffers as a result.

Osama Bin Laden’s death brings me no joy, no sense of triumph, no sense of comfort or solace. All it makes me do is reflect on the tragedy of it all and to hope with every part of me that things will get better. I sincerely believe that will only happen if we remember each other’s humanity and love that humanity, regardless of who it resides in and what they decide to do with it. Even if it is lost, the loss should be mourned and the humanity remembered. If we can do that then I think we have some chance of truly loving one another and truly having something great.

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Goddamnit Duchovny

Ok so I’m watching X-files and just witnessed the worst acting ever. Basically before this somewhat mutilated man dies he looked as if he was contemplating the concept of death rather than realizing his heart was slowly ceasing to beat. It was like his internal monologue was “Am I dying? Hmm. I feel like I’m dying. What is death but a portal to another world? That is if one believes in an afterlife” rather than “Uhhhhhhh dead”. There’s a lot of old wrinkly men in this episode which I don’t enjoy. Where is Mulder and why doesn’t he have his shirt off. In fact why didn’t he ever have his shirt off in this show. Or did he? Feel free to fill me in if I missed an episode. The only image I have of David Duchovney sans clothes is when he posed for a magazine and was sitting on a window sill, holding a teacup over his special man place. Just..no David. No. I can’t imagine many things more emasculating to use as a cover for your junk than a freaking teacup. Not only is it particularly small, it’s something you normally associate with:

1. The British

2. Your Grandmother

Neither of which are widely known for their sexual potency. I hope. I mean sure if you don’t want to be obvious and go for a phallic shaped object, at least choose something that is either sizable or in some way suggestive and sexy. There is nothing sexy about a teacup.

OH GOD HERE IT IS:

AAAAUUGGGHHHHH. I never thought I’d say this. But fuck you David Duchovny. Fuck you very much. You’ve ruined everything. What is your facial expression here? “Tea, milady? Why, you’ve gone pale! Is something wrong? Ohhh the tea cup, haha, ignore that. It just makes my man parts feel safe.” Too bad you’re not using that freakishly oversized Alice in Wonderful teapot instead.

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Noah’s Ark is a total mind fuck

Noah’s Ark is a story from the relatively well known ‘Bible’ detailing the adventures of a man named Noah, commissioned by God to build a big boat for all the world’s animals, so that he could kill everyone else for having too much fun by way of a massive flood. Noah was a moral man. A good man. Someone who would totally lend you five bucks if you asked…unless it was for whoring, gambling or drinking. Come to think of it, what a dick.

Seeing as Mr Fancy Pants was such a buzz kill the big G-O-D decided that instead of going carte blanche with his mass genocide of the human race, he would save Noah and his family. But at a price.

Noah would have to build an ark big enough for all the world’s animals.

Rob Schneider is about to find out how hard being a zookeeper really is!

 

Nice, God. Real nice. Noah doesn’t get a pimping yacht or even a pair of shitty cufflinks, he gets to play zookeeper on a boat for six hundred years. You know how you sometimes forget to feed your pet on time or maybe forget to give them their medication? Well imagine that your pet is millions of animals and insects and that you’ve been cast adrift on an endless sea of water, 50% of which would be made up by your salty, salty tears. Now also imagine that reality has not somehow been magically suspended and that the circle of life dictates that most of these animals have to eat each other to survive.

Not as awesome as it looks.

 

Interpretations

There are differing opinions as to the story of Noah’s Ark. In the Christian tradition it is merely an allegorical tale whereby the ark serves as a symbol of the big JC coming to save everyone from their own misguided tomfoolery. Judaism prefers the literal approach, however, as reflected in their painful detailing of how the ark worked, including waste disposal and God doing his deity thang by keeping the food for the animals fresh. Also some there was a Giant King that Noah fed through a hole…so there’s that.

Islam also tends towards the literalist interpretation except without the king-gimping. It also helpfully provides the boat’s measurements just in case anyone is up for a re-enactment.

Just try me, bitch.

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