Goddamnit DuchovnyPosted: May 2, 2011
Ok so I’m watching X-files and just witnessed the worst acting ever. Basically before this somewhat mutilated man dies he looked as if he was contemplating the concept of death rather than realizing his heart was slowly ceasing to beat. It was like his internal monologue was “Am I dying? Hmm. I feel like I’m dying. What is death but a portal to another world? That is if one believes in an afterlife” rather than “Uhhhhhhh dead”. There’s a lot of old wrinkly men in this episode which I don’t enjoy. Where is Mulder and why doesn’t he have his shirt off. In fact why didn’t he ever have his shirt off in this show. Or did he? Feel free to fill me in if I missed an episode. The only image I have of David Duchovney sans clothes is when he posed for a magazine and was sitting on a window sill, holding a teacup over his special man place. Just..no David. No. I can’t imagine many things more emasculating to use as a cover for your junk than a freaking teacup. Not only is it particularly small, it’s something you normally associate with:
1. The British
2. Your Grandmother
Neither of which are widely known for their sexual potency. I hope. I mean sure if you don’t want to be obvious and go for a phallic shaped object, at least choose something that is either sizable or in some way suggestive and sexy. There is nothing sexy about a teacup.
OH GOD HERE IT IS:
AAAAUUGGGHHHHH. I never thought I’d say this. But fuck you David Duchovny. Fuck you very much. You’ve ruined everything. What is your facial expression here? “Tea, milady? Why, you’ve gone pale! Is something wrong? Ohhh the tea cup, haha, ignore that. It just makes my man parts feel safe.” Too bad you’re not using that freakishly oversized Alice in Wonderful teapot instead.
Honestly, did you even question this photo shoot? “We want to do a nude photo shoot!! I know- daring right?! But just so we don’t alienate your middle aged fans we’re going to surround you with various typical ‘middle-aged’ paraphernalia such as tea cups and babushka dolls…in a kitchen.” Because of course that’s not the most insulting synopsis of what appeals to middle-aged women ever.
What’s happening with the upturned pinky? I’m sure it’s done as an allusion to the tea drinking mannerisms of the upper class whilst subtly paralleling the trajectory of an aroused penis and yet despite these masterly nuances I find myself unable to appreciate it. And again with the freaking Babushkas. Why?!?!?!
…Actually even they would be sexier to hold over your naughty place instead of that damn cup.
I did a google image search for ‘teacup’ and even with the safesearch off do you know what I found?
Now, possible animal abuse aside, please note that the theme of these adorable photographs is “awww ooshadaboo, look how widdle the animals are! They’re so tiny they can fit in a teacup!”. Is this what you want people saying about your animal, David? Is it? I didn’t think so. Not that I’m suggesting that your man area should exceed the size of a small animal. I am however suggesting that you may not want to associate it with things generally considered to be abnormally tiny and therefore adorable in a completely non-sexual way.
What annoys me even more is that this seems to be the only naked photo shoot you did. You’re depriving me of my god given right to have sexual fantasies about you and I don’t appreciate it. In fact when looking for some sexy photos of you I found these:
Do you have a problem with sexy David? Is this a genetic disorder? Ok the first one is kind of hot. But it’s like the photographer said “You know when you’re wearing tracksuit pants and sitting on a leather chair and all of a sudden you kind of slide off and grab the back of the chair to pull yourself up? Well I want you to do that, but SEXY.” The middle one is goofy and you have a mother-freaking curl coming onto your forehead. What, are you Danny Zucco? Danny would never do yoga, not even for Sandy. And he certainly would never wear those horrendous glasses. I thought you were a sex addict David, but clearly you are not interested in getting any sexual partners. If you were, none of the above would have happened. Sort yourself out 1990’s David Duchovney. Even 2011 Duchovney. You’ve had a long time in the spotlight to sauce it up photo wise and yet you’ve produced nothing. You’ve let everybody down. I’m not angry I’m just disappointed. Now go to your room and think about it.
Edit: A recent search came up with these photos.