Noah’s Ark is a total mind fuck

Noah’s Ark is a story from the relatively well known ‘Bible’ detailing the adventures of a man named Noah, commissioned by God to build a big boat for all the world’s animals, so that he could kill everyone else for having too much fun by way of a massive flood. Noah was a moral man. A good man. Someone who would totally lend you five bucks if you asked…unless it was for whoring, gambling or drinking. Come to think of it, what a dick.

Seeing as Mr Fancy Pants was such a buzz kill the big G-O-D decided that instead of going carte blanche with his mass genocide of the human race, he would save Noah and his family. But at a price.

Noah would have to build an ark big enough for all the world’s animals.

Rob Schneider is about to find out how hard being a zookeeper really is!


Nice, God. Real nice. Noah doesn’t get a pimping yacht or even a pair of shitty cufflinks, he gets to play zookeeper on a boat for six hundred years. You know how you sometimes forget to feed your pet on time or maybe forget to give them their medication? Well imagine that your pet is millions of animals and insects and that you’ve been cast adrift on an endless sea of water, 50% of which would be made up by your salty, salty tears. Now also imagine that reality has not somehow been magically suspended and that the circle of life dictates that most of these animals have to eat each other to survive.

Not as awesome as it looks.



There are differing opinions as to the story of Noah’s Ark. In the Christian tradition it is merely an allegorical tale whereby the ark serves as a symbol of the big JC coming to save everyone from their own misguided tomfoolery. Judaism prefers the literal approach, however, as reflected in their painful detailing of how the ark worked, including waste disposal and God doing his deity thang by keeping the food for the animals fresh. Also some there was a Giant King that Noah fed through a hole…so there’s that.

Islam also tends towards the literalist interpretation except without the king-gimping. It also helpfully provides the boat’s measurements just in case anyone is up for a re-enactment.

Just try me, bitch.


Mockery of Noah’s Ark

–        Is almost too easy.

–        Will commence…now.

Regardless of how you interpret Noah’s Ark, whether literally or allegorically, not one part of it makes a damn bit of sense. Even if this whole thing was just some big fat metaphor for how everyone should look forward to Jesus coming…well…why include the animals? Is being saved by Jesus somehow analogous to being on an animal filled boat? I can’t even imagine what the real life equivalent to this (by all reckonings, tedious and painful) part of the allegory would be.

Oh right I forgot. You get to listen to this guy. Congratulations Christians, you win.


Surely if you’re creating a story in order to entice a bunch of cavorting heathens into Jesus’ embrace, you’d want to make the pay off a little bit more exciting than getting to clean up animal shit and abstaining from sex for 600 years.

Seriously, something like this would be fine.


Taking the literalist approach one need not even bother with the regular questions of how big the boat was, where everything shat, how they didn’t kill each other and basically how everything survived for 600 years. All of this can be explained through God’s generally Goddery, that he just Godded all over everything and as a consequence something either incredibly epic or incredibly mundane occurred. It’s hard to decide which.

The more pressing question is, in the name of all things logical, why God didn’t just save Noah and his family of do-gooders and leave everything else to die only to God them into existence again at the end of it. We’re talking about God for fuck’s sake, did he lose the templates?

Ergh. Why did I create so much stuff??!


And you can’t say it’s about Noah proving his worth to God because he already did that. That’s why he was chosen in the first place. But really, why six hundred years? Having created our respiratory systems God must know that at most it takes about 20 minutes to drown, max. Sure give it a couple of weeks to weed out those with a bit of ingenuity who are clinging to bits of wood so that they can die of exposure or sharks, but six hundred years? Overkill. What, did God get all excited about his first genocide?

To the killing!


Would you even get to make an executive decision and leave out the cockroaches and bird eating spiders? No. Of course not. Because fucking God is watching you. It’s not like after he’s done a-summonsing from betwixt the clouds that he’s going to go off and have a cup of tea, oblivious to you cutting corners. Personally I think of God as a big brain, covered in eyes that have perfect 20/20 vision and can zoom in like a camera. And everything’s recorded.

No, not this.


But even this is just the backup system because the brain has reached some deep level of meditation whereby with no effort whatsoever it experiences the essence of everything ever. Just by existing. What I’m saying is it’s really smart.

Not that the story of Noah’s Ark conjures up such a formidable image of God. Indeed when examined closely the focus strays away from an image of a God who can at will flood the world and tends more towards an image of an absent-minded professor formulating an ill thought out plan because he’s too busy trying to figure out how to SMS on ‘these new fandangle phones’. Or perhaps it’s even akin to the brainchild of someone wacked out on pot, “And then I should like flood everything, except for like these couple of dudes who I’ll get to build this HUUUGE ark and fill it with all animals and shit. It’s gonna be awesome.”



Sure, if you’re good you’re saved and you get not to die in angry God infested waters.  But looking at it another way if you’re good you’ll be commissioned by God to build an impossibly large boat in which you’ll be imprisoned for an obnoxiously long amount of time with a bunch of smelly, hungry, bored, horny animals. In essence it’s a singles cruise without the booze, music and people touching each other in naughty places. Plus about 100% more dung being expelled without discretion…ok, maybe 60%.

On the other hand if you’re a bad guy you’ll die…unless you also have a boat, one presumably not built directly under the eyes of an all-knowing and presumably demanding deity. And at least you get to party on that with all the lusty wenches you could promise salvation to, until you die. Sadly it would appear that the only people who have picked up on the true message of Noah’s Ark are stereotypical bad guys in movies.

Bible Studies


It prompts the question as to whether anyone who’s thought about it would really take the moral from this as ‘be good or die’ rather than ‘be bad but observant so if you see someone painstakingly rounding up every species of animal onto a large sea-worthy vessel then you should go and invest your ill-gotten wealth in an enormous fucking boat…and a veritable bevy of strippers.’

This leads only to the conclusion that either Noah’s Ark is incredibly stupid or a deceptively ingenious piss-take on the entire human race. Maybe God just likes fucking with people. Or maybe he is revealing in the smartest way possible how stupid human beings really are. By combining the absurdity and inanity of the tale with its worldwide popularity God showeth us our idiocy and yay we remain blind to it, distracted by the thought of animals on boats.

OMGGGGGG!!!1!! Luk at animlz in boat! Dogz rnt perpul! LULZ!1!!1! Whut wus artickle bout agin?…seriously I’ve actually forgotten what I was talking about.



7 Comments on “Noah’s Ark is a total mind fuck”

  1. Evelyn says:


  2. Ted Kaczynski says:

    Flood myths are a dime-a-dozen…

    Three cheers for archetypal psychology!

  3. Otsego says:

    It all boils down to one thing. No need for any deep thought. Noah’s Ark was a way to explain rainbows. Plain and simple. I know that sounds lame, but it’s true. They make it a huge point at the end of the story to mention the bow in the sky as a reminder of the covenant.

  4. TAZ says:

    Nice skeptical thinking … but what a poor mind and soul …
    I was used to think everything must be logic and rational … I’ve thought something similar like you wrote in this blog … but through God’s grace I can believe that Noah Ark is not merely allegorical story, but it’s a true event. But I don’t have enough faith to believe about ‘origins’ theory by Darwin, the probability is too infinite, it’s gambling … I don’t have enough faith to say that God whom I believe as the Creator cannot do mysterious things to make Noah the best Zookeeper ever, or help Noah build a big vessel to protect anything God wants to save. I don’t believe that God is too evil to do the biggest massacre ever in the history, since it took more than hundred years to build the ark, and this was the opportunity God offered to other mankind outside Noah’s family… Anyway thank you for the articles…through your article, I feel that God is so good to me … a special grace is given to me that I can understand salvation message behind Noah’s Ark that so many people just mock it.

    For the current time what I can do just believe … when I die … if GOD is there (I believe HE IS THERE), I will know about the details about this Ark events … “but if HE IS NOT THERE” … I got nothing to lose.

    btw: sorry for my poor English.

    • Ah yes, there’s nothing I love more than a smug, judgemental Christian making wild assumptions about my ‘mind and soul’ while purporting to adhere to the principals of Christianity such as ‘judge not lest ye be judged’. Well done.

  5. Kevin Zeller says:

    God was there on the ark, as *people* that never even existed just like…

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