Kids these days.

I have decided it is finally time, after months and months of avoiding it, to fully watch the video for the song ‘Freaxx’ by Brokencyde. Despite my initial misgivings I am going into this convinced that I have merely misunderstood Brokencyde’s artistry, and that it may be one of the greatest musical, lyrical and visual achievements of our time. Sure, from what I’ve seen it’s a cacophony of neon colours and screams interspersed with Mariah Carey-esque high notes that give the impression that the video was inspired by the director’s repressed memories of when he witnessed a clown being tortured by a group of angry, effeminate mental asylum escapees, but I don’t want to prematurely judge. Haha. Ohhh, that’s a lie. Critically judging other people without all the facts is one of my favourite pastimes.

At the beginning we are tantalised with the uncoordinated door openings of what appear to be several severely drugged, androgynous youths exiting range rovers. The first appears to have suffered some kind of massive head wound immediately evoking sympathy and concern from the audience, whilst the second also seems to have undergone some major trauma judging by the stripe of white running violently through his otherwise jet black hair that juts out at odd angles. A freak lightening strike appears to be the only explanation. He looks as if he’s been crying.

The third member, whilst seemingly physically unharmed, shows the marks of some terrible mental trauma ensuing from his/her escape from a life as a geisha. A noise incessantly grows in the background, akin to that of a freakish hybrid between a kazoo and a cicada, to the rhythm of what I can only assume to be a death drum.

Then the trunk of their range rover opens to reveal at least three girls presumably trying to escape their attempted kidnapping into sex slavery.

At last the narrative appears to unfold. These three brave girl…boy…ok I still can’t decide, let’s call them birls. These three brave birls, in an attempt to save three utter strangers from a life of degradation, underwent a myriad of terrifying and death-defying exploits and are now bravely telling their story to the world. Geisha was the birl on the inside, not wanting these young women to undergo the trauma be had, be had to help them. Luckily Bandage birl and Stripey joined forces with Geisha to enable the escape. Bandage birl was unfortunate enough to engage in hand to hand combat with the enemy, but due to ber birlishness was unable to defend berself and copped a severe knock on the noggin before ber escape. Stripey, whilst guiding the ladies to the safety of the TRUNK OF THE CAR was struck down by lightening as a freak storm raged around them. No wonder they all look so weak and detached. Like they have seen the dark side of humanity, a darkness that now resides in their hearts, FOREVER.

After this disturbing introduction we are met with a horrifying scream from Stripey, surely re-enacting his painful lightening strike. Geisha starts to sing of the melancholy of the world of sex slavery,

“I walked into the club looking kinda sexy now.
I see these shorties in the corner, they started making out.
They pull their panties down,
and take their pants off.
And then they started getting freaky on the dance floor.”

Oh wait, is that…ok not what I was expecting, but that’s ok. You’ve been traumatised. Was this maybe how you were abducted? Watching women getting naked in a club and sexing it up on the dance floor? The inexplicable lack of intervention by security maybe should have tipped you off there, but hey, no judgement.

I’m amazed that said ‘shorties’ are able to take off their underpants before their actual pants, surely that would have been less sexy and more awkward. Unless of course you just sang that in the wrong order. But hey I know you’ve undergone a trauma, it’s not like this is a song you’ve put together to try and make money from- because then the lack of effort would really be ridiculous.

But now I am confused, you seem to be jumping around and smiling. Also your pants are very very tiny. That must be painful. Is that why is Stripey screaming into the ears of the girls? I thought you guys were trying to help them and now you want to give them hearing damage? I’m getting a lot of mixed signals.

“Shake it mommy give it to me like you need some love.”

Ok so either you’re a guy or a lesbian. Either way the ‘mommy’ bit concerns me as the girls in the video look like they’re about 12 years old. Are you a time traveller? Is that part of the plot? Also I’m not sure if you realise but as you say “love” a person in a giant pig suit appears out of nowhere. Is it a symbol of your idea of love? Pigs…dirty…roll in mud…can orgasm for 30 minutes. I’m not getting much of a noble vibe here. But maybe I’m reading too much into it.

“I got some bottles in the caddy we can open up
Let’s get drunk tonight, baby we don’t have to fuck.”

Ohhhhh. Oh wait. Ok I see, you’re not traumatised heroes of the sex-trafficking world, you’re just a bunch of teenage guys who like to objectify women by watching them have sex with each other before you shove them into the trunk of your car. But look, at least you’re a romantic right? I mean what’s sweeter than getting drunk in some strange guy’s car? And personally I felt completely reassured by the disclaimer of “baby we don’t have to fuck”. It’s so sweet! It’s like they really care about the girl as a person you know?! I think it was upon speaking to Juliet high upon her balcony that Romeo said “Hark what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and Juliet is the sun. Arise fair sun, take off your panties and come to my caddy and get drunk. But baby, we don’t need to fuck.” A tip of the cap to you, Shakespeare.

“And bring your friend along, maybe we can have some fun.”

Ooo! He likes her friends! He’s a keeper!

“Let’s get freaky now, let’s get fucking freaky now
Let’s get freaky now, let’s get fucking freaky now
Let’s get freaky now, let’s get fucking freaky now
Let’s get freaky now, let’s get freaky now!”

Dang man- first of all that high note might be due to the lack of crotch space in your pants. I’d talk to your tailor about that if I were you. Unless you strap it all back, which I can’t imagine would be any more comfortable. Secondly- mystery is key, guy. Just take it easy, play it cool. Repeatedly screaming sexual advances in someone’s face doesn’t really do anything for your sex appeal, it just makes you seem like a deranged, disturbingly determined, mentally unstable sexual sadist. So y’know…slow your roll there buddy.

Also Stripey, I’m becoming less convinced you’ve survived some kind of freak storm and am increasingly sure that you’re actually just a hipster douchebag who cares more about his hair than say, dignity or artistic integrity. Also you look like you’re going to vomit so maybe stop drinking that huge bottle of cranberry juice or whatever the hell that is. I think you’ve already had enough sugar and that’s just making it worse. I see you pour some out at about 2:51, presumably to commemorate all your homies that have died during intense homoerotic wrestling matches in your Mum’s basement

“I got these bitches all tipsy trying to sex me.
I know they want it, alcoholics are some sex freaks”

Alcoholism is a disease, friend, not something to be celebrated for the promiscuity that may accompany it. Take the girl to rehab instead of your bottle littered caddy. Honestly.
“This ex and chronic gots me wanting to get messy
So let’s get messy girls, come on let’s go get messy girls”

Oh so now it’s drugs. Sigh. You are determined to vex me! Why is a girl still being helped out of the trunk at 1 minute and 12 seconds into this? Has she just been trapped in there the whole time? Negligence. Anyway I think your mum is going to get mad if you mess up your room again so you might actually want to put away your game of Kerplunk and Mouse Trap and start working on those maths sums. 2 x 2 is?

“Come on bitch, you know you want this.”

I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU.

“That hardcore shit will make you feel the toxic.”

I don’t think I want to feel the toxic. It sounds too much like what you’d nickname your penis.

“Versace, rolex watches.
Bently coups with the 20’s dropping
Convertible top, and the wheels spin.
I can taste that ice when my grill is in.”

Look I’m glad you’ve finally compiled that list of random expensive things, I know it’s been on your mind for a while now, but really I think it’s time to calm down and take your Ritalin.

“If you want me baby fill me in ’cause I dont waste my time with lesbians.”

I thought you liked lesbians and their magical ability to take their undies off before their pants. No? Well regardless, if I go with my initial hypothesis of you all possibly being chicks then I’d have to interpret “fill me in” as a literal request which would indicate that your dislike for lesbians stems from their lack of penis.

“LIAR
LIAR
LIAR
LIAR
LIAR
LIAR
LIAR
LIAR”

No no, seriously. Lesbians don’t have dicks.

“Oh baby, why did you have to lie to me?”

Sigh. Whatever. Did you notice that the girl at 1:48 is actually moving the lower half of her body away from you as far as possible? I’m pretty sure she’s being paid to be in this video and even that can’t motivate her to move towards your disturbingly ken doll like crotch. In fact all the girls in this video look terrified or like they’ve suffered a psychic break. That is except for the underage prostitute you seemed to have hired at 2:07, but I think she’s just happy she doesn’t actually have to touch you. Learn from this.

“I can’t play no more games.

 These thoughts are slowly controlling me.
You’re turning off the flames.”

Is this your attempt to insert an emotional plea into an otherwise perverted and degenerate song? When did this become about you having some troubled relationship with one particular person and not about you attempting to touch unsuspecting women with your man parts?

“So GO baby GO baby.
You don’t want me?”

Oh thank GOD you finally get it.

“So GO baby GO baby.
Come and get me.”

You seem confused…

“So GO baby GO baby.
You don’t want me?
So GO baby GO!
Come and get me.
You don’t want me?
Come and get me.
You don’t want me?
Come and get me.”

There are a lot of mixed messages there. I think you’re over tired. Let me make something very clear, there is nothing about you that would actually cause anyone to take initiative in ‘coming to get you’ unless it were in the serial killer sense. Although you may be wearing bright colours and making loud noises, human mating rituals have actually risen above that of animals. We’re not peacocks and your bright plumage does nothing but make me think that you are desperate for attention.

At least there seems to be a doctor there to help you now and the rhythmic beating of what I assume to be a template track from your CASIO keyboard is diminishing. Maybe this means it’s ov-

“GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAOOOOOOAAAAAOOOO”

AAAHHH!

“Let’s get freaky now, let’s get fucking freaky now
Let’s get freaky now, let’s get fucking freaky now
Let’s get freaky now, let’s get fucking freaky now
Let’s get freaky now, let’s get freaky now!”

Urgh. Honestly watching this was like seeing what would have happened if WHAM mated with Charles Manson.

Oh holy shit…is Bandage Birl…. 1990’s Steven Baldwin?


My only solace is that no one would ever let this happen again…except that there are at least 9 other songs on from you guys on youtube. Hold on though, one of them is called “2 drunk 2 drive”. Ignoring the disdain for the English language you exhibit, maybe this is some kind of song promoting safe driving practices? How very noble! Maybe I misjudged you. Let’s look at the lyrics:

“Get krunk, get drunk, get fucked up. Throw your hands in the air, that’s whats up. Now pass me the forty girl. I need to get drunk before it’s over girl! So don’t you take this drink from me. I will knock you down on your knees. And make you lick my penis up and down, up and down… Up and down, back and forth, I’m making you my whore. Up and down, back and forth, girl you will be my whore… I’M SO FUCKED UP! I’M SO BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! WHAT THE FUCK! I’M SO FUCKED UPppppppp… Girl I’m too drunk to drive. Will you take me home tonight. You can be my sugar dumpling muffin baby pumpkin pie! So look into my eyes. Do you really think I lie. Girl I’m not kidding when I say I need a fucking ride!!! Drink up, drunk slut, you catch up. I’m too fucked up to stand up. I don’t drink to impress myself. I drink to wake up in your girlfriends house. And when I wake up in her bed. I tell that bitch to give me head. I make her lick my penis up and down, up and down… Up and down, back and forth, I’m making you my whore. Up and down, back and forth, girl you will be my whore… I’M SO FUCKED UP! I’M SO BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! WHAT THE FUCK! I’M SO FUCKED UPppppppp… Girl I’m too drunk to drive. Will you take me home tonight. You can be my sugar dumpling muffin baby pumpkin pie! So look into my eyes. Do you really think I lie. Girl I’m not kidding when I say I need a fucking ride!!! Girl, you know me. I’m O.G. I will never fuck your friends. You and me. We can be. Lovers till the very end. (FUCK THAT!) Girl I’m too drunk to drive. Will you take me home tonight. You can be my sugar dumpling muffin baby pumpkin pie! So look into my eyes. Do you really think I lie. Girl I’m not kidding when I say I need a fucking ride!!! Why don’t you take me away.”

Nevermind.

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