An Amusing Pun or Witticism That Relates to the Topic at Hand.

Ok so recently I was in an athletic clothing store which I shall name SPORT (imagination is a powerful tool which I choose to use sparingly) browsing around for various sports paraphernalia. Apparently buying things sports related allows me to sustain the fantasy that I am somehow athletic. Note that instead of buying anything from SPORT, I ended up buying a t-shirt from K-mart with the cookie monster on it that says “I love easter eggs”….I also bought an easter egg. It is no longer with us. My gluttony, however, is besides the point. What is the point is that whilst browsing amongst SPORT’s fine selection of clothing I came across a t-shirt that to all appearances was simple and unassuming. Upon closer inspection however it appeared to be sold with seeds. That’s right. Seeds. They were in a little sachet attached to the label.

Seeds.

I now wish that instead of proclaiming loudly “oh for FUCKS SAKE” in the middle of the store and walking off, I had taken the time to inspect what it actually said, as I’m sure it would have provided me with a wealth of information as to why these seemingly incongruous items were being married together in what appeared to be some kind of uber leftish hippy-esque environmentally conscious wank.

It’s not often that a t-shirt exudes a sense of being both overly earnest and smugly self-satisfied yet this sad little t-shirt managed to do it. I express pity for this t-shirt because clearly it is the victim of some hemp-weaving commune that has decided that instead of just allowing people to buy an item, the purchase of which already suggests an inherent sense of health-consciousness, they would also enforce some kind of environmental consciousness onto these hapless, unsuspecting fools. To quote Dylan Moran, they’re from “a world of sandals, spoon benders and yoghurt fanciers, where people fart all the time because they don’t know how to laugh.”

Although my attempt to find this line of clothing online was fruitless (or seedless– AMIRITE?), I did come across ‘Shirt-seed’ which makes t-shirts out of bamboo and organic cotton. I can’t help but feel that they’re letting everyone down by not making them out of tofu because then everyone could just nibble on themselves when they get hungry. This would have the added advantage of cutting down on washing, because as their homepage says “20% of household electricity is taken up by a clothing dryer.”

Thanks Shirt-seed. You’re my hero. Maybe I’ll go smash up my clothes dryer and then during winter as I’m waiting for my clothes to dry over the period of a week I will recycle it into some kind of sculptural work that reflects upon the detrimental effect of electricity and shoes. I’ll entitle it “the celebration of self propelled movement” which of course is Shirt-seed’s motto. I….what? Sigh. I just can’t.

The blog is worse. It’s like some horrible cluster fuck of words that does nothing but hurt my brain. Yet the smug self-satisfaction still manages to come through,

“…if we assume that the environment is going to be saved by suppliers we will probably always choose products based on clever marketing and price and not weather[sic] it is truly the most “environmentally friendly” widget. The fact is that if governments don’t protect the land, sea and air they are the custodians of with law, then the fate of the environment is left for the ill-informed or apathetic consumer to decide…Well who are governments accountable too? It seems like nobody in Canada. The question whether hemp or bamboo is greener, its petty and unproductive. Ask yourself, did you vote in the last election? What was your party’s green policy? Did you understand it, or ask any questions? Why don’t we have a Green member of parliament? It’s important to spend thoughtfully, but don’t expect responsible consumption to save the world. After all isn’t it consumption that got us here in the first place. Amy ”

Thanks Amy. I’m glad we’ve figured out it’s the fault of the Canadians, the government, your customers and consumerism. You’re so insightful, I want to hear more…

“The Shirtseed style has always been aligned with Microsoft’s, “just get it out there” strategy. Although at times it has left the company looking like the fat geek with coke bottle glasses.”

Well well, if it isn’t Skinny McBitcherson, my old nemesis. I’m guessing you eat seeds and straw during periods when the moon looks favorably on your chi and perhaps this is why you have such hostility towards fat people which erratically vomits forth at unpredictable moments.

Another blog entry entitled “Why” is a majestic work of art. I have to post all of it. Observe.

“Why not?

Share, learn, get better. Who’s going to make a million dollars selling t-shirts anyway(soft sole shoes maybe)? You can liken small enterprise to an arts degree: stimulating and rewarding, you may even make a couple bucks off your newfound skills, but you will improve your brain 6000%. How’s that a loss? It’s invaluable experience. This Blog isn’t about Shirtseed, its about taking risks, making mistakes, getting it right sometimes but mostly just trying it out. Its about how someone who didn’t know the first thing about art who made a business out of creating it. Its not the product that is dificult to create, its the model and more than anything its the guts and commitment. It will be recklessly open and wildly experimental.Amy”

 WOW! SIX THOUSAND PERCENT?! OH MY GOD!! You must have previously been an amoeba because despite your dalliance into the “recklessly open and wildly experimental” world of blogging about your t-shirt printing company you still can’t spell, use correct grammar or construct full sentences. This whole blog reminds me of  Gwyneth. The idea that squeezing lemon juice over your alfafa sprouts is some sort of transformative journey into a forbidden world of carnal citrus lust.

Christ these people drive me insane. I know they’re not the people who made that t-shirt with the seeds but it’s the same goddamn mentality. It’s the kind of clothing where when you pick it up you expect to all of a sudden hear pan pipes before turning around to see someone giving you a serene close-lipped smile, asking you if you realize how much you being alive is fucking everything up.

The message on that t-shirt may as well have been “plant these seeds and make the world a better place otherwise you’re a bad person”. Well fuck you hippies. You know why? Cause even if I did buy your t-shirt, I’m never going to end up planting those seeds. They’ll sit on my kitchen bench for ages as I look at them and think ‘uhhh I should plant those somewhere, sometime’ and then never do it. And then each time I look at them I’ll feel bad, as it a) reminds me of my laziness and b) makes me think I’m actually actively KILLING the environment. You know what, if YOU want to go off and plant vast gardens of vegetation be my guest and if you think others should do so- sure spread that message- but don’t do this covert bullshit where someone thinks they’re just going to buy an item of clothing and all of a sudden they’re blind-sided by some kind of environmental guilt which suggests that in NOT buying this t-shirt that they are actually detrimentally effecting the planet.

Instead, why don’t you save however much money you put into buying these fucking seeds and creating the packaging and paying marketing executives to come up with whatever wank of environmentalist miscellania you have on said packet and then put that towards any environmental project you wish. Either that, or SPORT- yes I’m talking to you- don’t stock this kind of crap. Leave it to the hemp stores and Tree of Life. People go to those places for a reason SPORT. They want to feel like they’re contributing to the world in some positive way whilst buying pretty things. It’s win-win. But SPORT, you are not a part of this exchange. You supply the clothes people exercise or laze in. Don’t make me think about trees at the same time.

It’s like that stupid goddamn M Night Shyamalan movie about how the trees and bushes are getting together and releasing toxic gases which cause people to kill themselves because the human race has become too much of a threat to the environment. It was about as subtle as a frying pan to the face. Don’t pretend this shit is a movie, it’s a lecture. Don’t pretend this is a t-shirt, it’s a guilt trip.

I’m sure there are people who would say “oh whimsy mimsy- these people are doing something positive and you’re just sitting there being an arse and not helping and who are you to criticize and blah blah blah”. Yes, yes I’m a horrible bitch with nothing nice to say about anyone. We know this. Shut up.

Peace, love and mungbeans bitches. I’m out.

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