Body of Christ? That’d be nice!

So there’s this new Protestant campaign that is using the image of Jesus in an ultrasound, basically just a fetus with a halo, with the text “He’s on his way” and I have a problem with this for several irrational and poorly thought out reasons. First of all, it is terrifying. It sounds like a threat. Does he have a knife? Should I hide? I need more information!! The next poster may as well be “The Messiah is coming from inside the house.”

Apparently this isn’t the biggest issue though as critics are saying that this Christmas campaign (because nothing says Christmas like fetus) is actually a sneaky way of saying that “Whenever we kill an unborn child in an abortion, we are killing Jesus” giving the poster a whole new ‘anti-abortion’ meaning.

Now, I’m just going to pretend like this is exactly what this poster is saying mainly because this idea is amusing to me and what the fuck do I care if it’s the truth or not.

So the guy who created the poster, fucking Francis Goodwin if you can believe it- I feel like I’m in the fucking Crucible- says that:

“This is the kind of thing proud ‘parents-to-be’ show their friends and family – passing round the scan of the baby, or even pinning it up in the office. Our poster reflects this new way of announcing the news of a new arrival and places the birth of Christ in an ultra-contemporary context.”

Ok first of all stop say ‘new’, find other words, cause you sound like an idiot. Secondly what the fuck is ‘ultra-contemporary’? It’s extra ‘of the present time’? It’s even more ‘now’ than just regular now? Just be quiet. You’re embarrassing yourself. And thirdly- you’re trying to appeal to PARENTS? That’s your demographic? These are people who don’t want to be parents. That’s the whole point of getting an abortion.

Do you think that people disinclined to giving birth also have some twin fetish for ultrasound pictures and that they’ll see this and think it’s worth the burden of child rearing for the rest of their goddamn lives so that they can get a fucking ultra sound picture?

Or that people will think to themselves “hmmm I connect with this ultra-contemporary trend, I guess I will keep my unwanted child, it will be nice water cooler talk around the office.”

Oh and anyone who pins an ultrasound picture up in their office is a fucking pain in the arse. You’re gonna be sick of that kid in a frickin week after it’s born and you’re sticking a picture of its unborn self up in front of you? It almost feels like a threat. “This is what I face”. You’re going to have that kid in your face for at least the next 18 years, why are you so hasty about getting a good look?

Unless you’re just practicing steeling yourself for what’s to come by psyching yourself up, which I fully support, you’re actually doing yourself a disservice.

In fact that’s another misleading part of this campaign, the suggestion that all kids are these little angelic halo wearing possible deities. You know what? No they’re not. They’re scary and unpredictable. You don’t know when they’re going to cry or laugh or spit up. It’s like a russian roulette of emotion and bodily fluid. And they’re so sneaky. They’re tiny, so you never know where they are. They’re like little ninjas but no one suspects them because they seem so helpless. Yeah that’s right, SEEM. I’m almost entirely convinced it’s an act. Like if you left a baby alone for a day and then snuck back into the house you’d find it sharpening its sword on an old timey grinding wheel that it somehow hauled into the house before seeing how many sit ups it can do whilst hanging upside down off its crib.

I’m pretty sure their main aim is to bring about a war between parents and the childless. That’s why they’re always doing shit like sneaking up behind you when you’re swearing and then going and telling Mummy what the ‘bad lady’ said. Or getting under your feet so you almost step on them and then you get told off for not being ‘careful’. You know what? Put it on stilts. Then I’ll know where it is and can tailor my behaviour accordingly. Plus it’ll be learning a valuable skill so really you’ll be doing it a favour. YOU’RE WELCOME.

What also gets me about this poster is the weirdly inaccurate representation of things fundamental to the Christian faith, the first being Christmas and the second being God.

Christmas isn’t about Christ literally coming back. He’s not actually reborn each year and then ascends after New Years (party hound!). Even if you mean that the spirit of his teachings is coming back because of the Christmas season you could easily argue that the spirit of consumerism far outweighs it, therefore evidencing the very damnation of our souls that Christ was sent forth to prevent. Although you personally probably wouldn’t argue that because you’re not a cynical heathen like me.

This whole ‘Don’t abort lest it be Jesus’ idea really pisses me off though cause we’ve all heard this guilt trip nonsense before.

What I love about this concept is the utter rampant stupidity of it, as it actually defies the very concept of God as an all-knowing, all-powerful being.

I mean if God were to send Jesus down to earth for the Second Coming do you seriously think that he’d put him in some woman who’s going to abort him?! You don’t think he can pick a lady who won’t have an abortion? He’s God for fuck’s sake.

“Don’t have an abortion cause it might be the son of God”. Yeah well I’m sure God can figure out a way to make it happen.

“If Mary had an abortion Jesus would never have been born” Oh fuck off, yes he would. And you know what, even if every woman at that point in time decided to abort all of their pregnancies then God would have just magicked Jesus into existence. I’m pretty sure he can do that seeing as he did it with the entire fucking universe.

The other problem I have with this is that it’s a Christmas poster. When I think Christmas I don’t think of little squirmy fetuses living off my nutrients, I think of Santa. And yeah I know it’s pagan but I WANT SANTA. I’m not negotiating on this Christianity. Replace Santa with baby fetus and that’s a deal breaker for me. You and I are done! DONE! You always do this! You know what? I’m just tired. I’m just really, really tired of all of it. Just get your sister to drop off my stuff at my house, INCLUDING my Office DVD’s, and we can forget this whole thing ever happened.


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