Why minarets should be banned all over the world

(I meant to post this when it was actually relevant but I wrote it and forgot about it. So here it is in all its belated glory.)

Let’s face it people, this is a terrifying new world we live in. Terrorists are hiding around every corner, in every nook and godammit in every cranny too. Literally. How you ask? Well unbeknownst to most of the world one of the first steps in terrorist training camp is learning how to be a contortionist. Which by the way you should never google image with safesearch off…not if you’re at work anyway.


Anyone want to guess what that long bar is to the left? I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with cock.


These terrorists learn very early to conceal themselves in the most unlikely of places- traffic lights, shoes, fruit and even inside their own bombs.

We are living in a new age of fear my friends. The level of danger has sky rocketed to unprecedented levels. Never has there been such a virulent threat to humanity since the release of Glitter.




So don’t be surprised if the next time you go take a drink out of your tea cup, there’s a terrorist RIGHT THERE.


This tea pot pours 21,554 tiny terrorists into cups all over the world per day.

Luckily, Switzerland is paving the way in reducing the amounts of places terrorist could (and do) hide by banning minarets.

What are minarets you ask? See the tall white tower below? That’s a minaret.

Jesus. Christ. Just how many terrorists do you think could fit in that crescent moon alone? Fifty?

This is the kind of danger we’re facing and yet somehow this brave, brave move by Switzerland has provoked world-wide criticism and condemnation. Nicola Duckworth, the Europe and Central Asia Programme Director at Amnesty International says that, “A ban on the construction of minarets while, for example, allowing those of church spires would constitute discrimination on the basis of religion.”

Well it’s official, Amnesty International has been infiltrated and is now being controlled by Al Qaeda who are now demanding the removal of church spires. What an absolute disgrace. I am OUTRAGED.

I don’t know what this says, but I know it’s right.


Some make the argument that not all Muslims are terrorists and all I can say is that if you agree to that you may as well be spitting on the graves of the ANZACS, burning the Australian flag and kicking Sir Donald Bradman right in the face. Even if you’re foolish enough to believe that there is one Muslim out there whose agenda is not to dominate the entire world and reduce the level of human existence to the barely muffled screams of infants, then you’re forgetting that these terrorists could even hide inside other Muslims. Nobody is safe.

The sponsors of this brave initiative have courageously spoken of the tyranny that is the minaret: “The minaret is a sign of political power and demand, comparable with whole-body covering by the burqa, tolerance of forced marriage and genital mutilation of girls”. So now you know. If you support this architectural structure you may as well be signing petitions to support genital mutilation- you sick, sick bastards.

I’d suggest that you go take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror but Christ knows there’s probably a terrorist hiding in there. I have as yet remained safe from the terrorist threat by saran wrapping all of my possessions before I go to bed. I suggest you do the same.


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