I’m a tit face.Posted: August 11, 2011
Today I was driving to work, engaging in my usual road rage. As I usually do I fixated on the person driving in front of me (you know, that fucking guy) and decided that he was everything that was wrong at that particular moment. I sat there, yelling in my car, “Argh- you suck! You suck at driving!”- feeling completely justified in my rage due to the belief that if I could just overtake him, everything would be perfect. When I did, that feeling lasted for two seconds. Revelling in my victory I thought “Haha- yeah, fuck you guy! Let’s see you deliberately manoeuvre in front of me now like I know you totally were except that really you weren’t! Take that person who doesn’t know I exist!” – before I started to focus on the next person who was pissing me off.
All of this self-entitled rage is just boiling away in complete obliviousness to all of the amazing stuff that is happening at that moment. And I don’t mean that in some universal sense- like somewhere a baby is laughing- I mean the fact that I am sitting in a goddamn motorised vehicle and it’s awesome that they even exist. Or that it’s only taken me 40 minutes to travel 30kms. Or that I actually have a car to take me places and that my parents paid for it- because I’m a spoilt arsehole and they’re completely lovely.
No, instead I’m just annoyed that the world isn’t working exactly the way I want it to, which is to mean that it isn’t directing all of its efforts towards unambiguously benefiting me and fulfilling my needs. I’m annoyed at this guy in front of me purely because he is in my way and clearly he shouldn’t be, because you know…I’m really, really important and I have things to do.
I think the worst part of it is that most of the time I wouldn’t consider myself to be spoilt. I’d probably describe myself as down to earth- completely disregarding the fact that I have thought about how much it would suck to be stuck on a deserted island WITHOUT TWEEZERS because then I wouldn’t be able to pluck my eyebrows. Yeah, I’ve thought that- more than once.
I have, several times, gone to the fridge and thought “Ugh- no goat’s cheese. Now what am I going to eat?” I don’t know if there’s anything worse than a privileged, self-entitled princess thinking they’re really easy going and chilled out- it’s just a cocktail of ignorance and self-delusion.
Not to mention that woe is me because I’m doing a PhD and it’s totes hard you guys because I have to like think and stuff?! Never mind that I am only able to do it because my parents are helping to support me and I live in a wealthy country with a good education system. Of course I forget that it’s a luxury to spend 8 years at uni studying the fucking arts so I can go on to spend my life talking about Shakespeare and queer theory. Instead all I think is that I have to read a lot- OMG!
I’m not sure at what time the things I am privileged to have in my life turned into things I believe I am entitled to, but it’s a really shitty attitude to have. It’s also one that’s going to exacerbate my inevitable wake-up call when I actually move out of home and realise that things cost way more than I think and no one else cares if I’m kinda tired and don’t feel like working today. I’d like to think that this slight realisation means that the next time the internet dies at home, I won’t stomp around the house like a little bitch, but the reality is that I probably will. I guess the only solace is that maybe I’ll realise that I’m an arsehole while I’m doing it.
So to sum up I’ll quote Louis CK when he said- “Everything is amazing and nobody is happy.”