This sappy piece of shit is floating around tumblr today:
Unfortunately the person writing this forgot to add in:
– learn how to write like I’ve mastered my basic motor functions
– not be a douchebag anymore
The only things that don’t sound horrible on this list are gelato, movies and cuddling.
I’m guessing that at the bottom of this list there’s a point crossed out that says “write a list of ridiculous, random crap that makes me seem whimsical, romantic and fun but in reality is highly impractical nonsense that only fairies tripping on LSD would want to do”.
I’ve given it a try myself and I think I’ve done pretty well.
This is way too easy. Here’s another one.
So IKEA have decided to introduce a new area in their otherwise painfully maze-like shopping complexes, where you can play video games, watch tv and otherwise chill out. Sounds awesome, right? Well it’s too bad they’ve decided to be sexist fuck-holes about it.
You see, this isn’t some kind of general entertainment area. No. It’s a fucking ‘man nursery’. Hold on…what? A MAN NURSERY? Because men are like children who need to be distracted by bright lights and fast moving objects so that they don’t piss their pants in public and accidentally wander off with a stranger??
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
I mean, this is exactly what it sounds like. Women go drop off their shitty, stupid men at the ‘nursery’ so they can go spend all their money and look at pretty fabrics (every woman’s orgasmic dream!). Not only that, but just like the nursery for children, women are given a buzzer that goes off after 30 minutes to remind them to go pick up their partner. You know, like you would a meal at the pub. Because men are 1) forgettable 2) like children and 3) big fat fucking inanimate wastes of space, who (if not collected) would sit in IKEA shitting their pants and playing Xbox until security throws them out. Presumably then they would wander around the parking lot until they got hit by a car.
Apparently this is all to help women, so they don’t have to put up with a “whinging guy hanging around with them while they’re shopping”. You know, because of how fucking useless men are and how they can’t ever properly contribute to an equal partnership. I mean, that’s exactly how I view any man I go out with- as an annoying lump of wood that I have to cart around while I’m shopping. Especially because as a female, I have an irrepressible compulsion to shop and I also have the inability to leave the house alone- hence why I just can’t stop dragging my big dumb boyfriend everywhere while he sacks around like a whiny piece of shit.
As Lisa Wade says:
“…this is more insidiously problematic even than that. It tells women that they can’t expect men to be grown ups. And if men can’t be grown ups, then we certainly can’t expect them to do their share of the dishes or the hard work of raising families or, for that matter, be a true and equal emotional partner.”
Brilliant. Men get to be irresponsible children while women do all the shitty, domestic stuff because…we have ovaries? I didn’t realise my breasts meant that I can’t dislike shopping or that it’s inappropriate for me to shirk my responsibilities yet I should be actively encouraging my boyfriend to do the very same. I’m glad IKEA are on top of this.
See the girl ‘dropping off’ her boyfriend at 1:36? That weird breathy giggle she gives? It’s because she has no idea what the fuck is going on.
Also, if everyone will take note, the men in the nursery? They’re all fucking douchebags.
Yeah, this isn’t insulting to anyone. Because, as we all know, most male/female relationships are exactly like the show ‘Married with Children’. In fact, I’m pretty sure that was a documentary.
I’ve decided to install a regular feature here called ‘Paltrow Watch’ at the suggestion of my very clever sister.
Often I have come across pieces of news about the Paltrow that has infuriated me and I have wanted to rage about it without adding to my already lengthy open letter to her (https://ihatedolphins.wordpress.com/2011/08/06/an-open-letter-to-gwyneth-paltrow/), so I think this is the best solution.
In honour of Paltrow Watch’s debut I am going to talk about two things I heard about her recently.
The first comes from an interview she did with Elle Decor magazine, where she twaffles on about the things in her life that she can’t live without.
wwtdd.com broke it down beautifully here: http://www.wwtdd.com/2011/08/this-is-why-everyone-hates-gwyneth-paltrow/
Seeing as wwtdd did such an excellent job of pointing out why she’s an ‘elitist cunt’, I am only going to tackle the intro to Gwyneth’s interview, which is just as infuriating as Gwyneth herself because it buys into the myth that she’s amazing.
“Act, cook, write, sing: Gwyneth Paltrow famously loves to do it all.” She famously loves to do it all? Or she famously loves to tell everyone how great she is at doing it all? Ignoring the fact that she can’t act, write or sing. I haven’t tasted her buckwheat pancakes.
Homage is then paid to Gwyneth being a ‘serious design buff’ with such credits to her name as adding ‘funky’ touches to her house like a “rumpus room for the couple’s two children and a skull-and-crossbones motif on the library’s mantel”. A rumpus room for children is a funky touch now? In that case my house circa 1987 was the complete tits.
I bet my shambolic box of lego pieces and the broken off arms of dolls would be a collector’s item. In fact, Gwyneth would probably buy it and surmise that it is ‘a testament to the chaos of childhood and the realisation, as a parent, that you can’t control it all. Like all parents, I’ve realised that the freedom of childhood is something that shouldn’t be contained and that as adults we have a lot to learn from the joy of being completely outside of ourselves and our own self-consciousness. I feel that’s really reflected in this box of shit.’
I can’t be a rose in any man’s lapel. ~Margaret Trudeau
You don’t have to be anti-man to be pro-woman. ~Jane Galvin Lewis
All this pitting of sex against sex, of quality against quality; all this claiming of superiority and imputing of inferiority belong to the private-school stage of human existence where there are sides, and it is necessary for one side to beat another side. ~Virginia Woolf, A Room of One’s Own, 1929
Beyonce is fairly well known for being an icon for ‘female empowerment’. Her recent single ‘Run the World (Girls)’ has been touted as a feminist anthem for empowerment and strength, as have many of her songs before it. She often speaks about women having power, making their own money, being independent and sexually expressive. All of that sounds pretty good.
It’s too bad she’s completely full of shit.
There is something about Beyonce’s ‘girl power’ message that is fundamentally flawed and is blaringly apparent when you stop being distracted by her music and her impressively muscular legs**, and start to actually listen to her lyrics, or just the things she says.
** At this point I felt like saying “How? How do you look so good, Beyonce?! Tell me your secret! But then I realised that the ‘secret’ is having a healthy diet and exercising. In which case, keep your damn secrets to yourself, Beyonce! God! You think you’re better than me?!?!?!?!?
Here are two things she has said, which, with their powers combined, make me want to eat off my own face:
“I realized that one of my responsibilities was to inspire women in a deeper way.”
“The more successful I become, the more I need a man.”
Herein lies the contradiction of Beyonce’s own brand of feminism. Although Beyonce says she is all about ‘girl power’, she is actually deeply, deeply dependent upon men. There are two sides to Beyonce: there’s the ‘Independent Woman Beyonce’ and ‘Relationship Beyonce’. Independent Woman Beyonce (IWB) doesn’t need a man and she’s not afraid to say it. She’ll make her own money and she’ll do her own thing and you can get totally screwed if you don’t like it.
‘Relationship Beyonce’ (RB), on the other hand, just wants love and cuddles and is all about pleasing her man.
Neither of these things is offensive on the surface. There’s nothing wrong with being independent and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to please your partner. It’s when you start to dig a little deeper that things get sketchy.
Looking at songs like ‘Run the World (Girls)’, ‘Single Ladies’, ‘Freakum Dress’, ‘Irreplaceable’, ‘Kitty Kat’, ‘Me, Myself and I’ and ‘Best thing I never had’, it starts to become clear that Beyonce’s feminism is one that is based upon an aggressive rejection of men and a subsequent assertion of female independence. You see, whenever Beyonce wants to be a strong woman, she sings about a woman who has been rejected, heart-broken, or in some other way messed around by a man. She is never strong in and of herself. Her women are never just strong women- they are always earning money, or getting self-respect or connecting with themselves in reaction to a negative experience with a man.
The formula is “Oh yeah? You’re going to treat me like that?! Well screw you buddy! I’m going to go be an ‘independent woman’ so I can throw it back in your face! When you see how successful I am you’ll want me again and my victory will be complete!”
There’s something terribly juvenile about Beyonce’s way of thinking. She’s always trying to better ‘herself’ (her persona, character she is singing in etc) in order to exact revenge upon an ex, or just the phantom of ‘bad men’ in general. In fact, what she’s doing is becoming successful in order to win the approval of horrible men who have treated her badly.
But isn’t feminism (actual feminism) about more than that? Like…a lot more than that? (The answer is yes.) Isn’t it about actually being autonomous and not living in tandem to whatever is happening with the men in your life? (Again, yes.)
Is it not incredibly belittling to consistently suggest that women up-end their lives, their careers and so on, just so they can win the admiration of some shitty man and have the joy of metaphorically weeing on his face? (Yes, it is. Ok…why am I answering my own rhetorical questions? Cause I feel like it! Haha- see what I did there? Yes, I do. Ok, I’m stopping now. Really? Yes.)
But for Beyonce it would seem that life is all about what is happening with the men in your life. Whether it’s that you’re in a great relationship, in a bad relationship, getting out of a bad relationship, moving on from a bad relationship or trying to find a better relationship.
So basically Beyonce’s message can be summed up as this: Girl power! Woo! Yeah! Let’s empower one another because women are kind of equal now except sometimes they’re not so we have to treat every achievement like it’s something unusual and instead of celebrating the individual we have to wee our pants and make it about women and how women are doing all this stuff in spite of men therefore always living our lives in opposition to something instead of just as individuals- WOOOO! You go girl!
Not to mention that way too many of Beyonce’s Indepenent Woman songs promote the idea of getting back at one’s shitty boyfriend by cheating on him, flirting with other guys OR moving on really, really quickly to someone else (because nothing says ‘independent woman’ like someone in a successive string of relationships right?).
In ‘Freakum Dress’ Beyonce says that women should make themselves look really sexy to reignite their boyfriends interest AND then go to a club and rub themselves up against another guy, “Sometimes a woman feels like she needs to remind her man why he is in love with her or fancied her in the first place. All women have that freakum dress at the back of their wardrobe and they can just put it on and it will remind them.” Mmmm. That’s lovely. You really know you’re in a stable and loving relationship when you have to walk up to your partner, shove your tits in his face and say ‘THIS IS WHY YOU LOVE ME’. That’s some Deepak Chopra shit right there.
In ‘Irreplaceable’ (where everything is to the left because of Beyonce’s crippling OCD) she kicks out the man she’s been living with and lets him know that his replacement will be ‘here in a minute’. Maybe I’m wrong, but can you really claim to be all noble in a relationship if you have a back up boyfriend that you’re going to call five minutes after breaking it off with a long-term partner?
Sure, the purpose of these songs is presumably to show that Beyonce is someone who won’t take any shit. If you treat her badly, you’re out on your arse and she will move on to find someone who will treat her better.
Except even if you do, you won’t be and she will not.
This brings us to ‘Relationship Beyonce’. And Relationship Beyonce is a submissive little bitch.
This is the definition of sad: http://boyfriendpillow.org/
“The Boyfriend Pillow, as the name implies, is the kind of pillow designed specifically for lonely women…It is made of a memory foam”
Memory foam? Like the memory of when you weren’t this pathetic?
Maybe it’s just me, but it seems that purchasing this pillow would merely be the first step towards this (3:11):