Paltrow Watch 080911




I’ve decided to install a regular feature here called ‘Paltrow Watch’ at the suggestion of my very clever sister.

Often I have come across pieces of news about the Paltrow that has infuriated me and I have wanted to rage about it without adding to my already lengthy open letter to her (, so I think this is the best solution.

In honour of Paltrow Watch’s debut I am going to talk about two things I heard about her recently.

The first comes from an interview she did with Elle Decor magazine, where she twaffles on about the things in her life that she can’t live without. broke it down beautifully here:

Seeing as wwtdd did such an excellent job of pointing out why she’s an ‘elitist cunt’, I am only going to tackle the intro to Gwyneth’s interview, which is just as infuriating as Gwyneth herself because it buys into the myth that she’s amazing.

“Act, cook, write, sing: Gwyneth Paltrow famously loves to do it all.” She famously loves to do it all? Or she famously loves to tell everyone how great she is at doing it all? Ignoring the fact that she can’t act, write or sing. I haven’t tasted her buckwheat pancakes.

Homage is then paid to Gwyneth being a ‘serious design buff’ with such credits to her name as adding ‘funky’ touches to her house like a “rumpus room for the couple’s two children and a skull-and-crossbones motif on the library’s mantel”. A rumpus room for children is a funky touch now? In that case my house circa 1987 was the complete tits.

I bet my shambolic box of lego pieces and the broken off arms of dolls would be a collector’s item. In fact, Gwyneth would probably buy it and surmise that it is ‘a testament to the chaos of childhood and the realisation, as a parent, that you can’t control it all. Like all parents, I’ve realised that the freedom of childhood is something that shouldn’t be contained and that as adults we have a lot to learn from the joy of being completely outside of ourselves and our own self-consciousness. I feel that’s really reflected in this box of shit.’

For those of you who can’t be bothered clicking through to the link above, here’s a quick summary of the things Gwyn-Gwyn can’t live without : hand-painted wallpaper, casually arranged seasonal flowers (cause she’s down to earth), star lanterns (cause Gwyn is a star), a juxtaposed religion shelf (gnnnuuuyyyghhh), cloth bound penguin classics (described as the ultimate cure for sore muscles. You know, because of how if you ‘nourish your inner aspect’ then your triceps relax. That’s just science.) and a whole bunch of other useless crap.

After reading her list of nonsense and the nonsense she uses to justify it, I think I’m actually having to form new and alarming ways of expressing my anger. Angry noises don’t do it anymore and merely punching things and/or people is starting to hurt my hand. Instead of those regular cathartic channels I am having very strange reactions. Like, when I read about Gwyneth’s star lanterns I had this sudden urge to wee on a duck. Maybe I should see a doctor.

The second piece of news comes from a recent interview Gwyneth Paltrow did about her involvement in 9/11 (brought to my attention by my cousin Tanith). Not as a terrorist, just as an every day hero who is humbled by her humbleness in this crazy tapestry of a world we live in. (quotes from here:

“Basically, what happened was I had gone to a yoga class very early…I was on the way home and it was the morning of September 11 — not that I knew at the time what that meant — and a girl was jaywalking across the street and we kind of both stopped at the same time and waited a really long time…[we did this] stop-start thing [for a time and began to laugh before the woman finally went on her way]…Ten years later I got a letter from her saying that she had been late for work and we had that thing and she went down to the Christopher Street station to catch her train to go down to the World Trade Centre where she worked on the 77th floor of the South Tower and the train was just pulling out. So had we not had that interaction she feels like her life would’ve taken a much different course. She called it her ‘Sliding Doors moment’…It was an extraordinary story and all I could think about is all of the people who had experiences like that that day, but aren’t able to reach out because it wasn’t a recognisable person…She saw it was me so she was able to get me a message, but I think a lot of fates were changed that day obviously and I am very humbly happy to be a part in her story.”

I’m glad that Gwyneth has taken the encroaching 10 year anniversary of 9/11 to pay tribute to herself. Why wouldn’t she? I mean, isn’t it just so serendipitous and kismet-y?? Isn’t it just totes mind-blowing how little things change the course of people’s lives? It’s almost like that movie ‘The Butterfly Effect’, or maybe even like that observation that millions of people have made before.

Let’s not beat around the casually arranged bush- Gwyneth Paltrow saved someone’s life. She is a hero. A humbly happy hero. But a hero nonetheless.

Some people may say that she seems a little self-important. That, she perhaps should put that mild coincidence into perspective by saying something about the people who actually actively worked towards saving the lives of 9/11 victims- like firemen or policemen. Y’know, instead of tittering on about her post-yoga stumble across someone else’s path.

Otherwise, it could come across like Gwyneth has gone out of her way to point out how ‘humble’ she is because she recognises that if she weren’t so amazingly advanced in her attitude towards life, then she could justifiably boast about this. Because she feels like she really did something. Is this her reward for being so healthy and in shape and going to yoga all the time? Maybe. It’s not for us to say. I’m sure Gwyn would never suggest that the Gods are using her as a conduit to  save lives because she’s kind of earnt it by being so great.

Because as we all know, truly humble people always describe themselves as humble. If you’re really, really humble (the dictionary definition of which is: Having or showing a modest or low estimate of one’s own importance) then logically you tell people that. Because you want them to know how much you don’t think of yourself.

Not because you want to evoke the positive regard of others. That would be the opposite of being humble. That would be being boastful. Which Gwyneth would never do. That’s why she took her incredibly insignificant experience (in the grand scheme of things) and brought it up in an interview that coincides both with the 10th anniversary of 9/11 and with her new movie which deals with “themes [that] echo the aftermath of the 9/11 attacks on the twin towers.”

Because she’s humble.


2 Comments on “Paltrow Watch 080911”

  1. crookedmile says:

    Wait, so it’s socially unacceptable to express one’s anger by weeing on ducks?
    Shit, nobody told ME.
    Great piece, I love your Gwyneth rants. 🙂

    • Weeing on ducks in anger actually has a long and proud tradition dating back to the Mayans. It’s just mankind’s simple way of reminding mother nature who’s boss.

      Glad you enjoyed- I’m sure there’ll be plenty more duck weeing anger to come!

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