Oh God! Please don’t wife me!

https://twitter.com/WifeThatGirl

This twitter account is just the worst. Firstly, wife is not a verb. Saying you’re going to ‘wife’ someone sounds like a threat. “I swear to god if you don’t behave I will wife you! I will wife you to death!”

Secondly, this is nothing more than a prescriptive list of attributes that apparently makes a woman desirable – so if you’re not smart or pretty, sorry, you’re destined to be alone.

Take note ladies, these are some of the things that make you worthy of being wifed:

– A big arse

– Double D breasts

– Sexy legs

– The ability to do the splits

– Good singing voice

– The ability to correctly use grammar

– You remind him of his Mum (ew)

– You enjoy cooking and cleaning

 

Maybe the next step could be turning ‘wife’ into an adjective and if a woman isn’t living up to these standards then their partner can simply say “Could you be more wife, please?!” or “Your attitude is a little less wife than I’d like. Work on it toots.”

Thirdly, too many of these posts suggest that women should be ‘wifed’ if they put up with emotional abuse and are willing to be their partner’s punching bag. There’s this strange 1950’s attitude running throughout that women should exist to feed, fuck and cry over their men – and if she doesn’t? DON’T WIFE HER.

“If she’s still around after you put her in pain, made her cry & she’s still waiting for something to happen between you two, wife that girl.” – wow.

Lastly, the very phrase ‘wife her’ positions the woman as a passive recipient of said ‘wifing’. There’s an underlying assumption that she will accept the proposal no matter what. Need she even be present when the decision is made? Or can the person just come home one day and say:

“Today I have wifed you. No need to thank me.”

“But I didn’t want..”

“SHUT UP! YOU ARE WIFED!”

 

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2 Comments on “Oh God! Please don’t wife me!”

  1. Tracey says:

    I hope none of my qualities ever show up on this…


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