This one’s for the ladies…

Women of the world, our time has finally come. Sound the trumpets, gather in the village square, and raise the flag – for it is truly a time of change. A time of celebration. A time of revolution.

What am I so excited about? Take a deep breath, cause it’s big…I have just heard that Fujistsu is bringing out a special laptop designed just for women!!!! Eeeeeeeee!!!!

If you thought that the Bic pen for women was the most amazing thing ever, then just wait til you hear about the ‘Floral Kiss’ range of computers that Fujitsu has in store for us!!

I mean, even the name, ‘Floral Kiss’, it just speaks to me. Women do like flowers and kisses!! Fujistu gets us, you guys!!

And wait until you hear how super pretty it is. Oh my god, are you ready? Ok. (Squeee!)

It has:

–        Gold trim

–        A flip latch designed for long fingernails

–        A power button shaped like a flower

–        A diamond cut crystal in the CAPS LOCK key

–        Crystals, crystals, crystals!

Oh my god, right? Is it just like totally, uuuhhhh! I have been waiting for this literally my whole life.

It’s totally not insulting or anything.

And let’s not forget its special features just for us – we’ve got digital scrapbooking, a personalised diary, aaaannndd….wait for it…..A DAILY HOROSCOPE!!!!!!!!!!

Something tells me the moon is in Jupiter because everything is just amazing right now.

I don’t think people realise how difficult it is to sit down every day at your desk and feel like you are being discriminated against by your own computer. How am I supposed to feel motivated to work if I can’t look at something pretty and sparkly? This is a huge problem for women.

I mean yes, ok, we’ve got equal rights and the vote and all that stuff, but what about our right to be surrounded by pearlescent and crystals? What about our right to have the outer world reflect our inner goddess?

I’ve often said how truly depressing it is to walk around the city and see all these totes ugly buildings with all these heaps sharp corners, and dark, angry colours just assaulting my daydreams about ponies and picnics. But I think this is a step in the right direction and I can only hope that it will set the tone for a new revolution in our society. No more phallically shaped buildings, no more browns and greys, just pretty, pretty pinks and lots of circles and flowers everywhere.

I want to feel safe like in a womb, not sad like in a tomb. Ok, you guys?

The only suggestion I have for Fujistsu about their design is that it doesn’t go far enough. They clearly haven’t considered how horrible the ‘clickedy clack’ sound of the keyboard is for female ears. I would like to suggest either a pleasing ‘ping’ sound, or maybe the chirruping of just the sweetest little birds.

Other features could include: an aromatherapy perfume regularly spritzing out at us; a ‘biological clock’ ticking away in the corner of the screen; love heart dots for ‘i’s; an hourly affirmation sent by email (something along the lines of “You are your own love-giver” superimposed over a photo of a woman I find relatable but aspirational meditating on top of a hill in her Lorna Jane outfit); and of course a little compartment coming off the side where I can keep my Special K.

But hey, I know it’s early days and these guys are trail-blazers (for my female readers that’s ‘blazers’ as in someone marking a path, not as in cute little jackets) so in the mean time all I have to say to Fujitsu is totally, totally, oh my gooood, and you are the best and thank you soooooooo much!!!!! Love hearts everywhere!!

(Oh and one more thought, can you change the name for the ‘mouse’ to ‘cute little cuddly kitten’ or something? Cause I’m scared of mice.

Thanks! Bye!!!)


Now is the Autumn of my exuberance

Way back in July 2011 I wrote a post called Got Milk, Fuckpants? 

It’s possibly one of my favourite things I’ve written because what I was writing about was so extraordinarily absurd and stupid that I could vent my spleen without worrying too much about nuance, or being even-handed. Sometimes dumb is just dumb.

So, it made me extremely happy when Autumn from Autumn’s Antics on Etsy immortalised a phrase I coined in the aforementioned article, “I’m just PSYCHO when it’s P-time in the V-town”, in the time honoured tradition of making a cross-stitched sampler.



Truly, this made me one of the Gods. Forever would my work remain on this earth through the beauty of thread and generations to come would know my name, fear my PMS, and be really really jealous that they didn’t own this.

But here’s the rub, I never owned this. I slacked off and missed out on the sale. What is the point of my magificence echoing throughout the annals of history if I couldn’t hang this on my wall?

Hearing my melodic, mournful cries sexily tumbling down the rockface of Mount Olympus, Autumn sprung into action, promising to send me a wee trinket to soothe my troubled heart.

But first she sounded a warning: it will not be as amazing as the sampler.

And she was right. It’s not. It’s BETTER.



You see that pile of awesome? The truly excellent badges that Autumn sells in her shop and that you should totally buy?

More importantly, see that item to the left?



That, my friends, is a necklace with ‘I am just PSYCHO when it’s P-time in the V-town’ cross-stitched into it. OH MY GOD. I am going to wear this everywhere like a goddamn talisman.

This is going to be my new family crest. That’s how excited I am about it.

Autumn, you complete me. You hold the needle and thread to my heart.

I can only mimic the sentiments on the Valentine’s Day card you included, sentiments which (dare I say it) deserve their own cross-stitched dedication:


Pulp Facebook

I just misread ‘See what your 8 connections just posted in Facebook’ as ‘See what 8 motherfuckers just posted in Facebook’ which has made me realise that I wish there were some kind of Quentin Tarantino app for Facebook.

‘Mr Pink and 6 other bad motherfuckers like this status.’

‘O-Ren Ishii and 4 other members of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad shared this link.’

‘Pumpkin and Honey Bunny are engaged.’

I think it could work.

An Open Letter to Gary Johnston of Jaycar Electronics

Dear Mr Johnston,

As a Bulldogs supporter, consumer, and…y’know, a human being I am offended by your suggestion that the sexist verbal abuse lobbed at Jayne Azzopardi by Bulldogs players/others associated with the club was somehow her fault for being near these players and their Mad Monday party:

“If a woman walks into some bars in Sydney, she will be ogled, she will be treated as an object, and that’s the way it is…She doesn’t have to walk into those bars”

Your logic is inherently flawed.

Firstly, public spaces are not male owned. They are not the sole domain of men. Nor should they be.

Secondly, women shouldn’t have to fear to go into public or private spaces because of sexism and sexual violence. If women were to stop themselves from doing a certain activity for fear of sexism and misogyny then we’d never do anything.

Women experience sexism and sexual violence at work, at university, on the internet, out at bars, walking down the street, hanging out with friends, and in their own homes.

What then is the solution? According to your logic the solution is for women to avoid these places. Unfortunately for women that would mean we’d have to either live in a female only society or cease to exist.

Personally, I’m not much in favour of either option.

Universities and any kind of business environment used to be an even higher risk situation for women to be in than they are now (in terms of sexism, sexual assault or harassment) but that problem wasn’t solved by women avoiding those places for fear of them. They were solved by changing the nature of the institutions (and society) through increased enrolment and employment of women.

Avoiding sexism doesn’t solve it.

You are suggesting that women should 1) not do their jobs if that job involves a ‘male’ environment and alcohol (so, no female bartenders then?) and 2) that if women suffer from sexism in that environment then it’s partly their fault for…existing?

Your logic is flawed and repercussions of that logic are very damaging. It echoes beyond this singular incident into the way people talk about women in general and particularly about sexual violence. In fact, I read the other week that a woman who was sexually assaulted at a bar was told by the judge that it was her fault for being at that bar because ‘those things happen in bars’. Sounds rather similar to your comments, don’t you think?

Your suggestion that Jayne Azzopardi is at fault for standing outside of a building containing a group of men having a party is ludicrous to me.

The solution isn’t to prevent a woman from doing her job, it’s to instil better values and a healthy respect for women in the people being vile in the first place.

Thirdly, the Bulldogs are not being persecuted for being celebrities as you suggested – “It’s only an outrage because these people have some sort of celebrity status.”

In actual fact it is an outrage because sexism and sexist behaviour are not acceptable in our society and when it is so plainly visible, as it is in this case, it requires immediate and strong condemnation.

If the Bulldogs (or whomever) can’t consume alcohol and “let their hair down” without acting like this then that is their fault, it is not the fault of women. They’re not going to learn that such behaviour is unacceptable if women simply avoid them in a professional setting. If we stop sending female journalists in to report on football, then do you think that would stop players being sexist towards other women they meet?

I’m sorry but ‘boys will be boys’ just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Fourthly, I find it farcical that you suggest that women should not be around football players. Perhaps you didn’t notice how many female fans were in those stands barracking for the Bulldogs and the Storm. Women should feel completely comfortable going to games, meeting players, reporting on teams and so on.

Perhaps you also fail to realise that over half of the world’s population is female. Yet we should be punished for sexist ignorance by not being able to do our jobs or enter certain public spaces?

It’s unfair to punish women because footballers can be sexist idiots. It’s setting the bar low for men and forcing women to suffer the consequences. That is not acceptable. Change doesn’t happen that way.

Finally, I will say this. There is no one more aware of the threat of sexism, sexual abuse, and sexual violence than women. We deal with it every day. It is an ingrained part of our consciousness. It is constantly factored into our thinking and we continually have to negotiate around it in our day to day lives.

I wonder when the last time was that the threat of rape made you fear going jogging at night, going into a bar, attending a house party, going on a date, walking down a dark street, getting a taxi, or being alone with someone of the opposite sex.

I wonder when the last time was that the threat of sexist remarks made you reluctant to look at the comments section on a website, go into work, attend a class, go to a party, or even come out publically as you have about a highly controversial incident involving sexism?

I wonder when you last strategised against the threat of rape or sexual harassment – like avoiding eye contact with the opposite sex when you walk down the street, altering what you wear, having your car keys out ready to use as a weapon, not putting your drink down at parties, not accepting a drink from someone of the opposite sex, crossing the street when you see a group of the opposite sex, not accepting a ride home from someone of the opposite sex, or pretending to call a friend you’re ‘just about to meet up with’ when you feel threatened to let them know where you are.

The list goes on and on. These are common experiences for women.

I can say to you with certainty that I do not know one woman who was not been subject to sexism in one form or another.

It is an inherent part of our lives, we just don’t let it control our lives. We keep going to work, we keep going to university, we keep going to bars, we keep walking down the street by ourselves.

And let me tell you, sometimes it’s bloody hard to do. But we do it, not only for our own sake, but in the hope that ‘the way it is’ won’t be ‘the way it is’ anymore. That things will continue to improve for women and that sexist attitudes, abuse, and violence will in some way diminish. It would be idealistic for me to say it will disappear.

I sincerely hope you reconsider your remarks and your attitude not just about this isolated incident, but about how sexism operates in our society, how women deal with that sexism, and how you can be part of the solution rather than part of the problem.



(Anyone else wishing to email Gary Johnston about his remarks can do so via this address: