And you smell…Posted: February 4, 2013
I submitted an article to an academic journal today and am super nervous about it. In preparation for its inevitable rejection I have penned the worst possible rejection letter to myself so that anything else that comes back seems mild in comparison:
“Dear Dr Dolphin,
Doctor? Really? How did that happen, right? I’m not exactly sure how you achieved your doctorate and where you get off sending us such an ill thought out piece of swill, but we all think you should reconsider everything that makes you who you are.
Everyone here is offended, not just by your mistake of a paper, but by your very existence in the world.
Please try to be less terrible at life or just give up altogether and crawl into a dank, dirty cave to live out the rest of your days.
Even emailing you back makes me feel like I need a shower to rid myself from the debris of your intellectual and moral inferiority.
Goodbye, ‘Dr’ Dolphin.
P.S. Your calves are fat.”