Well this is…unfortunate.

Tell me, dear reader. What do you think of when you see this:

 

 

I would suggest that after you struggle to keep down the last thing you ate, you think about foreskins. You know. The penis kind. I would also suggest that you think about an unpleasant male genitalia smell and the uncomfortable feeling of having an itchy anus.

You might also be wondering where that guy’s balls have gone but that’s besides the point.

I saw this on my way to work. I was taken aback to say the least. There’s something about the combination of seeing ‘4SKINS’, the question above the undie line that says ‘HAVE YA GOT ONE?’ and then the words ‘ODOUR CONTROL UNDERWEAR’, that is especially nauseating. Particularly as those words appear to be floating out of the underwear model’s anus like an oddly articulate fart.

Naturally, I assumed that this brand was drawing a connection between having a foreskin and an off-putting smell in your under carriage. So now the idea in my mind is of someone whose abominably bad hygeine practices has caused their foreskin to become some festering cess pool of unsavoury scents. Both a gross and niche market.

What didn’t come to mind was the promotion of racial harmony and diversity. But according to the 4skins website, that’s what this is all about.

“4SKINS as the name suggest [sic] is a cheeky underwear brand with a strong emphasis on comfort and alluring designs. The mission statement of 4SKINS is that it is a brand that unites all the different skin colours of mankind – be it white, black, yellow or brown. Here at 4SKINS we were inspired by both the diversity and the unification of cultures that we enjoy in our daily lives.”

Oh. Yeah…I dunno. Firstly, I’m still thinking about foreskins. Mainly because you keep saying it. Secondly, the 4 different skin colours of humanity seems unusual to me- particularly as your choice of models would suggest that white = anglo-saxon people, black = african people, yellow = asian people and brown = mediterranean people. I feel offensive just typing that out because it’s all so wrong.

 

(See 4:00)

 

Ignoring that weirdness, the intention is all very lovely. I’m not sure how odour control underwear is supposed to help promote inter-racial unity between the browns, yellows, blacks and whites…ugh. Ok. Does anyone else see the problem here? I know they’re referring to skin colour (but still- right?) and not ‘groups’ of people…but they kind of are because of how they represent it through their models.

 

Left to right: white, brown, yellow, black. Sigh. I feel racist and aroused. So confusing.

 

The strangeness of it has made me feel all weird and squiggly (and it’s not the first time foreskins have made me feel that way- HEYOOOOO!)

So I guess now I have a choice to make. I can either think of these undies as the catchers of foreskin smell, or I can think of them as well-intentioned but misguided maybe a little bit kind of racist underwear maybe sort of I’m not really sure.

Also, what about people without foreskins? Are they excluded from the love-in? Are you anti-Semitic and anti-Muslim, 4skins??? IS THAT WHAT THIS IS?

Probably not. But I like to throw around outrageous accusations.

Just in case 4skins do want to change their marketing strategy to make it less weirdly racist but at about the same level of gross, I have a solution for them.

 

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I feel that my subjective conception of the perception of relativity is deconstructed by the questioning of this interrogative negotiating which challenges social norms through it’s portrayal of the subjective conception of the perception of relativity.

I love shiny things. I love them so much that if I’m driving and I see something shiny on the road, I immediately think it’s probably a really pretty piece of jewellery that someone lost and that fate wants me to have. Even after I slow down and realise that no, it’s actually just the tab from a soft drink can, I kind of still want to wear around my neck.

That is how much I love shiny things and the ability to wear them on my body.

I continually struggle between my innate and powerful desire to decorate my face in crystals and my knowledge that I’m not pretty enough to pull it off and that it kind of makes me look like a douchebag.

 

Although this is nice and subtle.

 

I also love all things kitsch (don’t worry, this isn’t just a post about things I love. I’m building to something here.) I love retro, funky, obscure stuff. So naturally, with my love for shiny, weird stuff, I love Oye Moderne and it’s wacked out jewellery. Sure, it’s retardedly expensive, but hey- it’s fun to look at.

Ring shaped like a vinyl record player? Check. Necklace that looks like a pencil shaving? Check mate. A ring that looks like the silhouette of a ring? We’re not even playing chess anymore because you just blew my fucking mind.

But Oye Moderne’s most recent addition to their over priced shop of awesome just made me laugh out loud with complete derision. Not half derision. Complete.

Check it out:

Yep. That’s….that’s a necklace with the clasp at the front. For $120.

Hmmmm.

The ‘design’ for this was ‘inspired’ by Luna Seo’s devil-may-care attitude, her hatred of convention and her daring to question…why necklace clasps have to be at the back: “Why do we hide the most important?”

That’s a good question Luna. You’re like the Calvin Klein of necklaces. Either that or she’s like the retarded bride of Michael Bluth.

 

 

The website says that “The 925 stamp that is usually printed in tiny font on the tag to indicate sterling silver, takes prominence and celebrates the material composition of the necklace.”

 

Profundity.

 

Which is fancy, big city talk for: this is made out of sterling silver and that’s really…all we have.

So you could buy this celebration of the deconstruction of our own assumptions regarding social ritual and the ability to question ourselves and our own subjetive conception of ‘front’ and ‘back’.

 

OR

 


P-time in the V-town

Well this is an incredibly belated post that I’ve been meaning to put up for ages.

Basically, I have some very exciting news courtesy of fellow Regretsy follower and Etsy seller ‘Autumn’s Antics’.

Inspired by my post ‘Got Milk, Fuckpants?‘ Autumn has awesomely cross-stitched the now famous (in my mind) phrase “I am just psycho when it’s P-time in the V-town” into a sampler that can be proudly hung on your wall at home- reminding everyone of what a rabid, crazy bitch you are when your lady troubles are around.

 

 

I cannot express how much I truly love this. Somehow I managed to miss it being sold in AprilsArmy‘s shop (Regretsy’s Etsy charity shop) and so now I weep and weep that I cannot own it.

I am thinking that perhaps I will simply pester Autumn to make me another one so that I can hang it on my wall as an homage to myself and how great I am. I mean sure, I already have a mirror, but that only reflects my visual magnificence. I think I need something to reflect the majesty of my thoughts and words without wallpapering my room with print outs of my blog posts like I know so many of you already have.

Anyway, even though this is no longer for sale I just wanted to thank Autumn for being a super-awesome and unique snowflake of a human being and to acknowledge the greatness of her cross stitching skills.

You can check out Autumn’s shop on etsy here (she sells some truly great stuff): http://www.etsy.com/shop/autumnsanticsstore

She is also available for your fan-like awe on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/#!/AutumnsAntics

Here is the listing for the sampler, with more pictures and general greatness: http://www.etsy.com/listing/80630637/p-time-in-v-town-framed-cross-stitch

Thanks again, Autumn. Once gay marriage is legalised in Australia I think we should get hitched. Then, once our periods are in synch, we can be psychopaths together to the point that the local newspaper ends up dedicating a monthly section to our violent domestic disputes, naked rampages through town and various other acts of disturbing irrationality.

Until then, I shall love you from afar.